Abby, Minnesota

Abby,

Most of us have a pretty big emotional response when kids hit but in and of itself (assuming the child is not being exposed to direct or indirect violence), hitting in a five year old is not uncommon.

Emotional regulation

That said, you are right not to tolerate ANY hitting.  It sounds like your little guy is having difficulty regulating his emotions.  When we get dysregulated, it is hard to keep our “thinking brain” engaged.   This often means that we do things in a more automatic (and sometimes ‘regressed’) way, even though we “know better” when we are calm and regulated.  It may be helpful to think of your son’s behavior more as a “problem of regulation” than a “behavior problem.” 

What to do when your kids hit?

The question then becomes, “How can I teach my son to regulate and appropriately express his emotions when he is upset?”  Here are a couple of ideas:

• When your son hits you, get down on his level to make eye contact, gently but firmly hold his hands and say, “No hitting. Hitting is not safe.  In our house we all get to be safe.”  Try to keep your own affect calm, firm and matter-of-fact so as not to contribute to his dysregulation with your own.  It’s okay to fake it!  He needs to know you can tolerate and hold his “big feelings,” even when he feels like he can’t.
• Let him know you understand he is angry (disappointed, frustrated, etc.) and why.  I know you’re mad because you really want to go outside right now, but we’re going to have dinner.
• Give him the words to say (it’s hard to remember what “use your words” means when you’re upset), e.g. You can say, Mom, I’m really mad at you!
• Let him know that he needs “to calm his body.”  At a time when you are both calm, make a plan together about what you expect of him and teach him strategies for doing this, e.g. count to ten, take deep breaths, etc.  Model this for him when you need to “calm your body” (rush hour traffic?).  Know that these are skills that take time to develop.
• Consider using “time in” rather than “time out.”  Let him know you are going to “help you calm your body” by sitting next to him or staying in his sight and taking deep breaths with him.
• When things have settled down, then process the incident.  Let your son know that you were both mad, but you are all done being mad and ask if he is all done.  Kids need to know that these big feelings have an end and don’t disrupt important relationships.
• Take care of yourself.  This is hard work!

Good luck, 

Michele Fallon

Infant Mental Health Specialist

Mind Positve Parenting Speaker

• Carve out time for screen free meals. This is a great time to start conversations about the day and connect with one another.
• Ask your kids to consider the emotional impact of their electronic communication - good or bad. 
• Encourage your kids to work out conflict face-to-face. Start with siblings! Help coach them on the words they might use.
• Model good communication and don't duck the hard conversations. Texting is a great way to stay connected but if something is important but make sure you follow up face-to-face.
• Don't relegate face-to-face time to"big talks" only. Ask your kids to put away their cell phones during the ten minute ride to school or practice. Chat about whatever is on your minds!
• Support your school's cell phone and technology policies. 
• LISTEN to your child when he or she wants to talk to you. Put away your smart phone and close your laptop in order to connect.

You are driving your daughter and her two friends to a soccer game and the car is unusually quiet. They must be mentally preparing for the big game, you think. How nice. You maintain this illusion until you hit the first long red light at which point you glance into the back seat. Far from calm, the girls' thumbs are getting the workout of a lifetime. "Who are you all texting?" You ask, suddenly realizing that the deceptively quiet ride has been host to a frenzy of social connections. Your daughter absentmindedly responds, "each other!" Her friends giggle without looking up from their phones.  

Texting to connect

The idea of texting someone who is sitting two feet from you might seem crazy to a lot of parents. Yet teens consistently report that they are more likely to contact their friends via text on a daily basis than talk on the phone or engage in face-to-face communication. 

Digital technologies have unleashed incredible potential for young people to stay connected with one another, their parents, and a world of information. Young digital citizens are blowing apart the image of an alienated child sitting alone in front of a glowing screen. Instead they are connecting with each other across geographic boundaries, collaborating in virtual space, and building vibrant communities online.

Are emoticons enough?

Yet there is something unsettling about this always connected childhood. Is there a social cost to our kids' booming virtual social life? How does online time impact our kids' offline relationships? Is there a difference between a crestfallen face and an emoticon? Or am I, at age 31, already old fashioned?

Let me be clear that I try to guard against the urge to sit around lamenting the loss of "the good ol' days" (which in some ways weren't always so good to begin with). I firmly believe that technology can benefit kids and adults in all sorts of ways.

Yet emerging research is helping us better understand the need to balance tech enthusiasm with age-old practices like turning towards each other. Face to face.  

The social costs of media multitasking

Clifford Nass' recent article in Developmental Psychology shows that among tween girls, heavy media multitasking and high levels of media use are associated with a host of negative social experiences. According to his study, tween girls (ages 8-12) who were heavy media users reported feeling less social success, less feelings of social normalcy, and sleeping less. Nass found a clear, albeit not causal, relationship between some media habits and diminished social and emotional skills.

The antidote: face-to-face communication

So what do we do with this information? Throw Facebook and cell phones out the window? Of course not. That's the exciting thing about Nass' research. It turns out that there is a clear and powerful antidote to the negative social consequences of chronic multitasking: face-to-face communication. Tween girls who have more face-to-face communication report greater feelings of social success, greater feelings of social normalcy, and more sleep. This was true even when these girls had high media use. In other words, face-to-face time protects tween girls.

Our kids might be born into this world hardwired for empathy and connection, but they need a lot of practice to fully develop these skills. It turns out that humans are complex creatures. Learning to read emotions and respond to them is hard work.  Girls ages 8-12 are in a critical period in their development where they are learning to navigate the tricky contours of relational emotions on their own. It is no surprise that if they don't practice, they won't do it as well. Whatever the brain does a lot of, is what the brain gets good at. 

So let's celebrate the incredible connectivity of the digital age. Let's also give young girls the critical experiences they need to take care of their own hearts and attend to the hearts of others.

Let's encourage them to face each other and talk. 

Here are 7 ways to get face-to-face with your tween. Want to add some to the list?

Erin

Jill, Chicago

Jill, 

The Caine's Arcade video has gone viral online and it is easy to see why. For those of you who haven't watched it, check it out:

[YouTube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faIFNkdq96U]

The magic of this video is that transports us into the vibrant world of childhood imagination. Caine's imagination manifests in an elaborate handmade arcade (his tools: cardboard, tape, scissors, and markers). Watching Caine at work reminds me of my childhood creations, including vast villages in my backyard (my tools: mud, hands, water) and treacherous swamps in the basement (my tools: chairs, blankets, pots and pans). 

Brain Building Fun

It turns out that Caine's arcade, my backyard villages, and hundreds of other "free play" games, aren't just fun, they are critical brain building activities. In the absence of preset rules or adult directions, children experiment, make mistakes, adapt, problem solve, and create. This kind of brain exercise isn't just beneficial during childhood. Child psychologists Dorothy and Jerome Singer have found that childhood creativity is correlated with adult creativity. 

A lost art?

Caine's summer arcade does a lot more to stimulate language and creativity than flashcards, worksheets, or many educational toys. Yet watching Caine's arcade made me feel a little wistful. His creation seems a bit like a lost art. Many kids today spend a lot of their days in front of screens (their tools: iPhones, playstations, and Wiis). There are plenty of apps and programs that encourage creativity, but too often kids are sitting in front of screens that do the imagining for them. Dorothy and Jerome Singer found that if you read a child a story and ask them to draw a picture, the picture will be their imagination's creation. If you show a child a video and ask them to draw a picture, they tend to draw what they just saw. Someone else is doing the imagining. 

Encouraging Imaginative Play

I look at my own 10 month old son and wonder what sorts of worlds he will create fueled by his own imagination. No doubt there will be  a million toys at his fingertips that whir, buzz, glow, and do a lot of imagining for him. I am not going to rule out screen time fun, but more often than not I hope to give him some simple tools: cardboard, string, tape, and markers to name a few. I am excited to see what his creative brain comes up with.

Here are more tips for toys that fuel imaginative play:

• Buy young children simple toys that can be used in a bunch of different ways like blocks and balls.
• Save boxes and see what your kids do with them.
• Have toy animals, people, creatures, busses, and airplanes around. Kids will act out entire scenes with these toys.
• Art supplies! Paint brushes! Crayons! Chalk!
• Choose apps and video games that encourage content creation, as opposed to simple consumption.
• Encourage your kids to make music. Make your own shakers and drums.
• Choose toys that encourage kids to build and create. Blocks and legos are easy examples.

Getting through to my step daughter is frustrating for my husband and me. She is 12 years old and addicted to social networking sites and her cell phone already and seems to always have an attitude about anything and everything. How can we work through this?

Catherine, Tacoma, WA

Catherine, There has been a dramatic increase in parental and teacher concern about technology "overuse" as more and more children and teens have their own smart phones and more of their social life is spent on line either texting or on social networking sites. While it is clear that there is enormous benefit to growing up digital, worries about "chronic distraction," multi-tasking, decline of real-world social skills, and "cyber-addiction" are growing. Moreover the research is beginning to show that some of these worries are justified.  

I have become a proponent of what I call "Digital Discipline," which I think it is just as important as digital literacy. By "Digital Discipline" I mean developing the skills, behaviors, and practices that enable kids to take advantage of the benefits while avoiding some of the costs. Specifically,

• Kids should spend a reasonable amount of online time and not let it crowd out other important activities.
• Kids should cut down on the multi-tasking since we know it contributes to “partial attention” and “chronic distraction.”
• They are able to put away and ignore the technology when they should be doing something more important, like paying attention in class or talking with family and friends during meals.
• Kids observe a technology curfew so they get the sleep they need.

Here are some tips for parents and teachers to teach kids “digital discipline.”

• Parents and teachers should set and enforce clear limits and consequences around technology use.  Of course this is easier said than done.
• State your expectations around technology use as to when, where, and how much. Make the guidelines clear as well as the consequence for non-compliance.
• Be specific. For example, “We agreed that you would stop texting by 10 pm on school nights. If you choose to text after 10:00 PM, you will lose your cell phone privileges for two days.”
• Choose a consequence you can enforce and live with!
• Make sure you are clear with your child that she is choosing the consequence with her behavior. “Since you chose to text after 10 pm, you are choosing to give up your cell phone for two days.”
• Consistency is critical.  Your child or teen needs to experience the negative effects of a poor decision. If you waffle she will not learn this important lesson.

Marilyn, New York

Today's information age requires that young people are skilled in multiple ways of communicating and organizing information. Many young people have incredible talents communicating their ideas and opinions via image and video. That said, writing is still an important cognitive skill and remains in great demand by both employers and schools.

In addition to being an important skill for the job market, writing helps young people organize their thoughts. Disorganized thinking does not translate well into writing, so recording our thoughts on paper demands reflection, planning, and coherence. 

So how do we encourage our kids to be writers? Teaching writing starts long before their first term paper. Try putting a blank paper and crayons in front of young children and see what happens. Many will happily "write" away and beg for an audience for their stories. Remember, whatever the brain does a lot of is what the brain gets good at. Writing improves with practice! Try these tips to help your child's brain wire in writing skills:

• Have lots of blank paper and crayons around. Those early scribbles are the building blocks for pictures, words, and stories.
• Read read read! Talk talk talk! The best way to increase your child's vocabulary isn't through flash cards. The three best ways are reading, experiences, and conversations.
• Encourage and praise early writing attempts. Display stories around the house where others can enjoy them.
• Encourage your kids to keep journals or diaries. Create one together as a family during a vacation or trip.
• Find Web sites that encourage writing and storytelling.
• Attend "author's night" at local libraries or bookstores.
• Encourage "freewriting." Let your child write about a topic of his or her choice and try not to critique the subject matter he or she chooses. 
• Ask your child's teachers how you can reinforce fun writing lessons at home.
• Engage your child's senses! Ask them questions about their stories - what did it smell, look, or feel like?
• Encourage your kids to write thank you notes and other letters to family and friends. These aren't just a lesson in thoughtfulness and connection, they are also an opportunity to practice.

• Make sure your child plays and exercises every day. Encourage a variety of activities to build strength, endurance, flexibility and fun.
• Give household chores that build muscles. Raking leaves is the cheapest gym membership!
• Check in with your child's school about the amount of gym and recess time.
• Try video games that make your child move. 
• Reduce media time and send your kids outside. If you are worried about safety, check out activities at your local rec center.
• Connect your child with the outdoors whether it is an urban park or on a camping trip.
• Encourage your kids to dance.
• Don't force your child to join a sports team. Learn how they like to move and support them.
• Try not to make exercise a chore or a weight-loss program. Exercise is about feeling good.
• Have fun!

Judy, Montana

Judy, School districts strapped for cash and facing pressure to increase test scores often try to preserve classroom instruction by making cuts to physical education and recess. Districts are making very difficult decisions and I don't envy them!

Unfortunately, based on the latest brain science, cutting exercise can be counterproductive.

Brains and Bodies Are Connected

Think about evolution - our bodies were born to run, walk, climb, jump, and swim. They were also born to strategize, plan, and think ahead. Human survival depended on both our muscles and our brains. It shouldn't surprise us that they are connected!

The research boils down to this: Exercise builds strong brains.

Exercise to Think Better

So what happens inside your son's brain when he heads out to the playing field to kick a soccer ball around during recess? Two areas of the brain benefit: his prefrontal cortex (the seat of executive functioning) and hippocampus (the seat of memory and learning).

Vigorous exercise sparks the production of brain-derived neurotrophic factor, or BDNF. Some scientists have called BDNF "Miracle-Gro for the brain" because it causes neurons to flourish.

BDNF is especially powerful in the hippocampus, where memories are registered. BDNF not only preserves existing neurons, it also strengthens and increases new connections. 

As your son runs across the field his prefrontal cortex is also firing, improving his executive functioning and working memory. This is why active kids are better able to organize their homework and complete school projects. Your son will find that he is more alert and focused after he exercises. 

Exercise to Feel Better

As if that isn't enough, it gets better! Exercise not only helps kids think better, it also helps them feel better. As your son't heart is pumping, he's also increasing amounts of three neurotransmitters in the brain - dopamine, serotonin, and noeprinephrin. There are a lot of things that these chemicals do, but here are the basics:

• Dopamine helps your son feel good.
• Serotonin stabilizes his mood.
• Norepinephrine boosts his energy. 

All of this is going to help your son in the classroom. Combined with hard work and studying, exercise is a key ingredient for academic success. 

Check out these tips to raise active kids!

Thanks, 

Dr. Dave and Erin

While many parents come to workshops worried about cyberbullying and predators, it is helpful to name out loud the opportunities unleashed by digital media. It reminds us that the goal is not only to protect young people from harm but to help them maximize the potential of these powerful tools.

In that spirit, here are five things parents say they love about digital media:

Connection

Young people can stay connected with one another and with family members in ways that we couldn’t have imagined just a generation ago. Kids can video chat with family members in other states and exchange stories with kids in other countries. We know from the research that most tweens and teens use social networking sites to deepen and strengthen their ‘real world’ friendships as opposed to hanging out with totally strangers online.

Information

Kids can access virtual libraries with the tap of a finger and instantly access news from around the world. They can find incredible resources for school projects and can dig deep into topics that interest them. Young people can initiate their own learning and access an incredible depth of information on everything from hobbies to sports to politics.

Collaboration

The image of kids sitting in a room alone, watching TV is an outdated one. Today’s teens are often collaborating online with other young people. Whether it is in a gaming environment, working together on school projects, or co-creating video and audio, today’s digital youth are finding new ways to draw on each other’s ideas, skills, and creativity as they work together online.

Creativity

Every generation of young people is asking important questions about who they are and who they want to be. Self-expression and identity development are part of the important work of growing up. Digital tools enable young people to share their creativity, express themselves, and find ways to explore their “spark.” 

Action

Young people have myriad ways today to take action around issues they care about in their community. Whether it is national politics or neighborhood issues, young people can “have voice” in the issues that they care about. Getting involved in community-based projects, youth groups, and local politics using digital technology can help kids develop 21^st century skills like problem solving, strategizing, critical thinking, and planning.

Here's to raising creative, informed, connected, collaborative and action-oriented digital citizens!

Erin Walsh

• Focus on behavior. Instead of saying "You are really lazy," try "I am frustrated that you haven't taken out the garbage yet even though it is your responsibility after dinner."
• Avoid generalizations. As soon as young people hear blanket statements about their behavior they begin searching for examples that refute you. Instead of saying "You never clean your room," try "I noticed that you forgot to clean your room this morning."
• Be as specific as possible to make sure your teen understands exactly what you are for. Instead of saying "Don't forget to mow the lawn," try "Please mow the lawn before you hang out with your friends this afternoon." 
• Stick to one topic at a time. Avoid sentences like this one: "I want to talk to you about your academic performance tonight. By the way, I didn't like the way that you talked to your sister yesterday." Instead try, "I would really like to talk with you about school. When would be a good time to do that?"
• Take a break when you feel a power struggle mounting. Don't hesitate to take three breaths, name your feelings out loud and state specifically what you would like from your teen.
• Apologize if you need to.
• LISTENING is more important than talking. Listening attentively shows your teen that you respect them and sets a positive tone for the conversation. When your teenager is talking with you try to remember to:

1. Establish eye contact but don't stare.
2. Use short phrases that let your teen know you are listening like "Uh-huh" and "Yeah."
3. Don't interrupt your teen in the middle of a thought or sentence.
4. Ask clarifying questions if you don't understand like "Can you explain that again? I want to be sure I get what you are saying."
5. Check in to see if you are getting it. You might say "I am hearing you say that you are angry with me because I lost my temper after dinner."

Some parents don't talk to their kids about sex because they fear that it will spark their interest in it but just the opposite is true. Young people who have good communication with their parents about sex are more likely to delay sexual activity and be responsible and safe. Here are some tips to get you started:

• Get educated. Find good books that provide solid information. Talk to your friends about how they have talked to their kids. What information did they draw on?
• Get comfortable. It's normal to feel nervous or unsure when you start talking to your kids about sex and sexuality. It's okay to be honest with them about this too. There is nothing wrong with saying "It's not always easy for me to talk about this with you because my family never did when I was growing up. But this is so important so I am going to do the best I can, okay?"
• Talk often. Get rid of THE sex talk and look for opportunities to have many shorter conversations instead. Sex comes up all the time in the media, use this as a conversation starter.
• Choose the right times. Try to find times where this is some privacy and you aren't rushed to finish the conversation. Choose times that aren't emotionally charged already.
• Don't preach. Young people tend to shut off during long, drawn-out lectures. Say your piece and then let it go.
• Make it a dialogue. Ask your child questions and listen to their answers. Try not to cut them off with statements like "What you think doesn't matter. I am your parent and I know way more than you do." This merely teaches your teen to keep their opinions to themselves. 
• Multiple messages are okay. It is just fine to tell your children why it is important to delay sexual activity AND make sure they have accurate information about sexually transmitted infections, birth control, consent, and safer sex.
• Discuss dating and relationships. Find ways to talk about the importance of building strong relationships that include respect and honesty. You might say something like "On TV dates always end up in bed. Dating should be a time to get to know someone."
• Don't use disparaging remarks about gay, lesbian, or transgender people. Be open to talking to your children about the spectrum of feelings and attractions they may experience during adolescence.
• Share your values. We need to teach our kids that relationships include respect and responsibility. We need to teach our kids that we don't want them to rush into sexual behavior even though they are increasingly interested in sex. We need to teach the communication and relationships skills that are the foundation of healthy relationships. This will help them prepare for both the joys and challenges that love brings when they find it.

Susan, California

Many parents share your love/hate relationship with technology. This ambivalence makes a lot of sense!  If you synthesize the mountain of research on technology's impact on kids it boils down to this: there is a lot of incredible opportunity and a lot of stuff our kids could do without.

So how do we respond?

The "Lock-Down" vs. the "Hands Off" Approach 

A lot of parents tend to adopt polarized approaches to digital technologies. I call these two approaches the “lock down” and the “hands off” approaches. Neither is ideal for helping young people develop healthy habits.

Parents who fear technology and its impact on their kids often adopt a “lock down” approach. They tend to micromanage digital activities and assume that all online and media-related activities are a waste of time. On the other hand, parents who adopt the “hands off” approach assume that they don’t have much control or influence over their children’s digital lives (good or bad) and do very little to try to influence their online behavior and media habits.

The Middle Way: Raising Digital Citizens

The good news is that you don't have to choose between being a digital grump or a technology champion. There is a middle way! 

I believe that digital technologies aren’t inherently good or bad forces in the lives of kids, but that they are powerful. Neither the “lock down” nor the “hands off” approach strike the balance that is needed to help kids harness this incredible power for good. Kids rely on parents to both nurture their digital skills and outline the boundaries of appropriate behavior. A balanced approach where parents encourages positive media habits, take interest in their children’s digital lives, and set firm limits and consequences around both time and content set kids up for success in the digital age.

Of course a balanced approach is going to look different for a five year old than for a fifteen year old! With young children, the “lock down” approach isn’t always a bad idea. It just doesn’t need to come with the bad attitude about technology. Making sure that we create a controlled, safe virtual “playground” for little kids and limit their media use during this critical stage of development is a good idea.

As kids get older, parents can help guide them through an expanding set of age-appropriate games, sites, and other digital tools. The conversations that parents have with their children, the questions they ask, and the limits and consequences they set and enforce are a huge protective factor for kids in the digital age. Teens whose parents have clear media rules and ongoing communication are much more likely to have healthier digital habits – even if they roll their eyes and slam the door in your face!

It's Not About the Tools, It's About Us and our Kids

At the end of the day, we know that technology is going to be key to kids’ 21st century success. We also know that age-old skills like deep focus, concentration, quiet reflection, and good communication are also essential. This means that kids need more than access to technology. They also need to learn the discipline, ethics, and problem solving that will enable them to use digital tools in ways that are useful and meaningful to them and to the world.

The thing is - our kids aren't going to develop these skills in a digital desert nor out at sea in a digital ocean without a rudder. They are looking to us to get beyond both the 'lockdown' and the 'hands-off' approaches. They are looking to us to help them become caring, resilient, and responsible humans. In the 21st century, we might call these humans thoughtful digital citizens. And our schools, communities, and conference rooms need more of them!

The middle way may be more of a balancing act, but I think it's worth it.

Thanks, 

Erin Walsh

Marta, Missouri

This is certainly a problem that is bewildering parents everywhere. Whether it is texting, gaming, or spending time on Facebook, young people seem to have incredible capacity to focus on certain digital activities for hours on end. So why is it that some of these same young people find it difficult to focus for more than ten minutes on a homework assignment?

Paying attention

A number of years ago a parent contacted me after a talk and asked me a very similar question. Eleanor had recently attended her son Jeremy's school conferences and was surprised to learn that he was having a very difficult time focusing in class.

"Dr. Walsh," she exclaimed, "It doesn't make any sense! He comes home from school and spends hours playing video games. I have never seen such focus in a kid! How could he have an attention problem?"

Eleanor assumed that the problem must be with the teacher, not Jeremy.

"I don't mean to question his teacher's commitment," she went on, "but it is clear that Jeremy can pay attention, so I think it is a problem with his classroom - it's too boring."

Given that I hadn't met her son nor her son's teacher I made sure I didn't respond too quickly. However, the scenario she was describing to me was a classic example of the difference between our reactive and focused attention systems.

Reactive vs. focused attention

The brain is equipped with two different attention systems. Our reactive attention system is located deep within our brain. Located in the "emotional center," reactive attention is automatic, instinctive and helps us focus our attention when something is moving or very stimulating in our environment. This was a very handy thing for our ancestors who needed to be vigilant to potential dangers in the environment!

Our focused attention system is located in the prefrontal cortex, or the "executive center" of our brains. We use the focused attention system when we decide to pay attention to something. Unlike reactive attention, focused attention is not automatic and is only developed with a fair amount of practice.

The reactive attention systems of kids like Jeremy who play a lot of video games are like well oiled machines. Unfortunately for many of them, this comes at the expense of focused attention.  A growing body of research reinforces Jeremy's experience. A study tracking 3,000 children in Singapore over three years found that those who spent more time playing video games subsequently had more attention problems. This relationship held even when controlling for earlier attention problems, sex, age, race, and socioeconomic status.

"In most video games or with most screen media, there is constant flickering of light which forces an orienting response,” notes Dr. Douglas Gentile, lead investigator. “There are also sound effects and noises, and you need to attend to them, too. I think of these as crutches for attention—they support your attention so you don’t have to work hard to attend."   

Video games vs. homework

While homework and learning should be engaging and fun much of the time, it still requires a great deal of focused attention. As opposed to video games, even the best teacher cannot make multiplication tables or word rhyming whiz across the classroom with sound effects, explode into a dozen stars, and come with the reward of extra power or more points. Nor should they have to! Students need practice focusing even in the absence of constant external stimulation and reward. They need focused attention to excel in both school and in life.

After sharing this information with Eleanor I noted, "It sounds to me like Jeremy had a very robust reactive attention system and an under-exercised focused attention system. He's not alone! Kids don't have as many opportunities today to practice focused attention."

We concluded our conversation with some ideas and strategies for improving attention skills. Eleanor was excited to bring this information back to her husband and Jeremy's teacher. It was all starting to make a little more sense.

An attention crisis?

I do many workshops with teachers throughout the year and everywhere I go I have started asking them the same questions "How many of you have been teaching for more than 10 years?" Usually three quarters of the hands go up. "This next question is for you. How many think it is more difficult to get and keep students' attention today than it was ten years ago?" Usually ever hand goes up in the air.

We are in the middle of an attention crisis. Many of the traditional ways that children build focused attention have disappeared. In place of the license plate game on family road trips, each child in the car has their own DVD player and iPhone. Instead of a few blocks and balls, babies are inundated with whirring, buzzing, and twirling gadgets. There is nothing inherently wrong with these tools and toys, its just that too much of them robs kids of the opportunity to strengthen focused attention.

All of this isn't to say that we don't need to re-imagine 21st century schools and classrooms and find new ways to engage students hearts and minds in learning. Focused attention isn't simply about priming kids for routine, boring tasks. On the contrary, it is a necessary ingredient for reflection, synthesis, and critical analysis. Kids who strengthen their focused attention have a big advantage over those who don't.

How do you build your child's focused attention system?

Dr. Dave

• Give babies only a couple toys at a time, so they learn to focus on one.
• Limit television, video games, and movies in the room where children play so that they aren't distracted.
• Let your children "figure out" problems on their own. If you help, ask "How can we fix this?" or "What is the next step?" rather than solving it for them.
• Card games and board games require taking turns, setting goals, planning, and strategy without the distracting special effects.
• Read out loud to your kids and ask them what the story was about.
• Play chess, scrabble, puzzles, and more. Look for these kinds of games for your kids' phones or tablets.
• Establish routines so that your child knows what to expect, knows where homework is done, and where to get homework supplies.
• Set up a low distraction homework space for your kids.
• Come up with a set of time limits around screen and entertainment media.
• When your kids use media, encourage tools and programs that reward thinking, planning, and strategy without too many bells and whistles. 

Gina, San Francisco Bay Area

I hear variations of this question all the time. Are allowances a good idea? Should they be tied to chores? How much? When should you start?

Parents hear all sorts of conflicting information on kids and allowance. Since there is no research on the subject, I advocate a practical approach that reinforces important life lessons for our kids.

Teaching Share, Save, Spend

If you can afford it, I think allowances are a good idea because they help children and teens develop money-management skills. A colleague and good friend of mine, Nathan Dungan, specializes in helping families and kids build healthy financial habits. His approach has three simple ingredients: Share, Save, Spend. Sharing is a potent antidote to the cultural messages that promote a "me first" attitude. Saving teaches discipline, patience, and planning. Spending is of course the fun and easy part as long we know how to budget. Allowances enable kids to start practicing the Share, Save, and Spend philosophy early on, helping build a foundation for financial literacy later in life.

When should we start? How much?

Around the time that they start school, children usually start to understand the concept of money. Of course, how much depends upon a lot on your family budget. Small amounts are just fine. Even if we can afford it, the goal isn't to make our kids' money life a sky's the limit fiscal operation. My wife Monica and I always gave an allowance equal to half of our kids' ages until they hit adolescence and then we gave an amount equal to their age. Weekly allowance made it a little easier for them to learn to budget than a monthly allowance.

Taming the "Gimmes"

Allowances also eliminate the problem of kids treating you like cash machines! An allowance can be a tool for "taming the gimmes" if you stick with your message. You might choose to cover the basics like food and clothing but allowances can take care of treats, games, toys, and other wants. 

There is nothing wrong with chores

Tying allowance to chores is a great way to instill a sense of responsibility. While some folks argue against this, I can't figure out why it is any worse than handing over the money for nothing. Paying kids for chores doesn't need to undermine the idea that everyone pitches in to help around the household. While there may be a clear list of chores tied to a weekly allowance, this doesn't let kids off the hook for other projects and general helpfulness.

If you find yourself getting into a power struggle, check out our post on Chores and Kids.

Do you give allowance to your kids? Why or why not?

Dr. Dave 

Shirley, Denver, CO 

Shirley,

I think that the growing popularity of IB and AP courses is, in general, a good trend. Most American teens are not being challenged enough, especially in what it is called STEM—science, technology, engineering and math. Our kids are going to need to step it up if they are to compete successfully in the global economy. For many young people, these courses provide an opportunity to challenge themselves in a structured way, develop a positive attitude about learning, and develop a sense that the world is their classroom.

That said, anything can be overdone. Unrelenting pressure to perform academically can actually undermine young people's capacity to cope with stress and impact their love of learning. While academically rich and rigorous experiences are key, young people also need sleep, free time and other activities.

This is not only because we want our kids to be well rounded individuals. Our brains are busy even when we aren't in school!  Sleep is a time when our brains sort out all the neural connections made during a busy day of learning and consolidate memories. Exercise builds stronger brains by boosting BDNF, a chemical that stimulates brain growth. Free play helps build imagination, creativity, and executive functioning. In other words, these activities are not just 'extra credit' for kids, they optimize the brain's capacity to excel inside the classroom and out.

Balance is key! Experiences that organizations like 4-H provide are critical throughout adolescence. Teens should be challenged academically but not to the extent that they can’t participate in other activities that are important for their development. Here are my tips for striking a balance with your busy kids:

• Meet with your child's teachers to better understand how they approach the IB or AP curriculum. What are the expectations for outside of classroom work? Is the classroom culture competitive or cooperative?
• Try to steer your child towards a well balanced activity diet. Encourage them to choose extracurriculars carefully and make sure they only commit to what they have time for.
• Show your support by showing up at athletic events, plays, concerts, and other events.
• Give your child space to explore and express themselves. 
• Banish sleep 'thieves' like over-scheduling, cell phone use overnight, and early morning activities.

Good luck!

Dr. Dave and Erin Walsh

• Try to recall your own confusion and discovery, excitement and frustration, happiness and heartbreak during your teen years. It will help give you patience.  
• Remember that every generation of parents is convinced that their teens seem lazier, angrier, less capable of thinking through the consequences of their actions, and more willing to drive the adults in their life insane.
• Remember that some turmoil during the teen years is normal. 
• Don’t take it personally. Teens like to reserve the worst behavior for their parents
• Remind yourself of the strengths you had when you were a teenager. Today's teenagers have strengths too - learn about them.
• Learn as much as you can about the teenage brain. It explains a lot. I wrote a book about this called Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen.

Amy, St. Paul, MN

Amy,

Music has been a battleground for parents and teenagers for many generations. My father was convinced that the Beattles were going to ruin me and my peers. I agree that violent, sexually explicit, racist, misogynistic, negative lyrics are disturbing. Some are downright disgusting. That said, forbidding teens to listen to them ill advised for at least two reasons. First, a prohibition can’t be enforced. Music is everywhere. Second, making it too much of a battle can make it even more attractive to teens. It’s called the “Banned in Boston” effect.

 Here are my tips.

1. Have a calm discussion with your son about the values behind negative lyrics. Explain why you don’t like them and ask him what he thinks.
2. Listen to his response and avoid escalating into an argument. The conversation is a great opportunity to discuss values with your teen, but he won’t listen if you start preaching. Conversation is a two-way street.
3. Discussing lyrics can be a great way to learn more about your son's opinions on key issues and how they interpret the messages in songs.
4. Let him know that although you can’t force him to abide by your music tastes you’d like him to avoid violent, hateful and negative lyrics.
5. You can insist, however, that you don’t want to hear such lyrics.

Shirley, Denver, CO

Shirley,

It sure does seem like every generation of adults puts their hands on their hips, shakes their heads, and sighs a collective "Kids these days!" While there are certainly new challenges young people face specific to the 21st century, every generation of teenagers has struggled to navigate the exhilarating, rocky, challenging, and rewarding path through adolescence.

I call the forgetfulness that afflicts us parents "adult amnesia." It seems that the older we get the more difficult it becomes to remember what it was like to have a teenage brain. Even the most mild-mannered kids pose difficulties for their parents, from needing to stock the pantry to meet their growth spurts to figuring out what to do when they sleep until noon. 

For the parents raising adolescents who take a more volatile course to adulthood, the situations that arise—dangerous accidents, teen drinking, drug use, and run-ins with the police, to name a few—can inspire hair-pulling anger and head-shaking bewilderment.  Adults talk about each new generation of teens as evidence that the world is falling apart.

“I would never have done that when I was her age,” we parents think.  Maybe you wouldn’t have, but a few of your friends probably did.  Insolence and door slamming are not new inventions.  The world is not getting worse; it’s staying exactly the same.  Adults and adolescents have always had their difficulties getting along with one another.

This doesn't mean that we excuse poor behavior. Just as we relied on our parents to care enough to outline the boundaries of our budding independence, we owe the same to our kids. That said, lamenting the downfall of the next generation isn't serving anyone. Because amidst the frustrating behavior and confusing decisions our kids make, lies the wisdom, passion, voice, and energy that make youth incredible assets to our families and communities. We wouldn't want to miss out on that.

Here are my tips to combat “adult amnesia.”

Check each statement you agree with.

____I’d rather play video games than be with my friends.

____I’d rather play video games than play any sports.

____I’d rather play video games than spend time with my family.

____I’d rather play video games than eat.

____I’d rather play video games than sleep.

____I’d rather play video games than talk on the phone.

____I’d rather play video games than go to school or work.

____I’d rather play video games than go to a movie.

____I’d rather play video games than watch TV.

____I’d rather play video games than use the Internet.

____I’d rather play video games than listen to music.

____I’d rather play video games than exercise.

List the things you’d rather do than play video games:

1. __________________________________________
2. __________________________________________
3. __________________________________________

If your child has trouble thinking of things he or she would rather do than play video games, they may have become the most important priority in his or her life. Check out my post on video game addiction for some next steps.

Deb, St. Paul, MN

Deb,

After hearing from many parents and spouses of compulsive gamers I have become convinced that video game addiction is real. While there is no formal diagnosis here in the United States, recent research indicates that about one out of every eleven video gamers starts to show the type of symptoms you’ve described.

Coincidentally I recently spent two weeks in Singapore training counselors about “Cyber-Addiction.” The problem seems to be even more widespread there than in the US and professional have no qualms about calling it an addiction. In the words of one psychologist, "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck - it must be a duck!"

Don't get me wrong, most kids play video games and live a balanced and healthy life. But you are not alone! Some kids, like your son, have a difficult time keeping game play in balance. I support your decision to intervene before your son’s gaming gets even more out of control. I have developed some tools to help parents determine whether their kids’ game play is over the line. The first is a video game addiction symptom checklist and the second is what I call the “I’d rather Inventory.” Here are my tips.

• Fill out the “Symptom Checklist” and have your son complete the “I’d Rather Inventory.” If these tools confirm your fears, it’s time to intervene.
• Decide in advance what the gaming limits and rules are and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t comply. Include rules about arguing and yelling.
• Explain the limits and consequences to your son. Let him know that he will choose the consequences with his behavior.
• Consistently enforce the limits and consequences.
• You may need to confiscate his games. Let him know in advance that you will remove  the games if he flaunts both the rules and consequences. 
• If the situation escalates, don't hesitate to involve a trusted mental health professional.

(Scoring Instructions. 1=never; 2= rarely; 3= sometimes; 4=often; 5= constant)

1. ____ Spends more and more time playing video games or cyber-activities.
2. ____  Argues about and resists any restrictions put on video game or Internet use.
3. ____ Withdraws from friends and activities to spend time playing.
4. ____ Repeatedly breaks family rules about when and how much game playing is allowed.
5. ____ Sneaks and lies about game playing or Internet use.
6. ____ Neglects school work and other responsibilities because of play or use.
7. ____ Throws temper tantrums when limits are imposed.
8. ____ Neglects relationships because of cyber-use,
9. ____ Thinks about playing or cyber-use when not actively doing so.
10. ____  Is unhappy or depressed when not playing or using computer/Internet.
11. ____  Neglects sleep in order to play of use computer/Internet.
12. ____ Neglects personal hygiene and appearance because of cyber-use.
13. ____ Tries to limit cyber-use time but is unable to do so.
14. ____ Family members or friends complain about person’s cyber-use.
15. ____ Continues to play or use in spite of negative consequences.
16. ____ Is only happy when playing or on-line.
17. ____ More and more friends are gamers or on-line friends.
18. ____ Plays games or stays on line longer than planned.
19. ____ Skips school or work to play or go on line.
20. ____ Denies that there is any problem in spite of negative consequences.

Scores range between 20 and 100. Scores above 59 indicate possible addiction. Get the help of a trusted mental health professional if you think your child needs support.

Use this with the "I'd Rather Inventory" to get an even more clear picture of your child's game playing.

Paula, Mendota Heights, MN

I am not familiar with the particular video, but I would question its appropriateness for five-year-olds given the violence you described. Some might assume that any religious education video is okay for children, but we need to remember that there is no guarantee that the producers and directors of religious videos don’t slip into Hollywood style violence portrayals. Ironically there is significant risk for this in portraying lives of the saints. After all, the greater the violence a saint had to endure the more heroic and holy he or she must be.

I would be surprised if your daughter were the only child troubled by the graphic violence. I would respectfully share your concern with the teacher. For all you know, he or she may have already had second thoughts, especially if the video had not been previewed.

I would ask the teacher to make sure that the St. Patrick video is appropriate for kindergartners. Patrick, you may recall, was kidnapped as a teenager and held captive as a slave for six years before escaping. Ask the teacher to pay particular attention to how the violence in the kidnapping and captivity are portrayed. I would expect a kindergarten teacher to be sensitive to your concerns.  

Lucille, Rochester, MN

Dear Lucille,

The separation is very painful for everyone. The little boy is emotionally confused and hurting. He’s not old enough to understand why his dad is gone and he may have a mixture of strong feelings that he doesn’t know how to express. He may, for example, be angry as well as sad. Talking with his dad on the phone or computer may be more than he can handle right now.

Here are some suggestions. 

1. Help the parents understand that their son’s refusal to talk is not a rejection. He just doesn’t know how to handle the storm going on inside and this is one attempt to cope with the pain.

2. Don’t force the little boy to talk with his father on the phone or computer. Try to help him deal with his feelings by naming them. For example, you might say, “Sometimes we can feel angry or sad when our dad isn’t around. Do you ever feel that way?”

3. Right now the four-year-old is acting out his feelings because he doesn’t know how to express them. The goal is to try to help him express them in ways that will enable him to get support. As he feels safe and supported he will be more able to share what he’s feeling. 

4. Give the boy some alternative ways for him to communicate with his dad. Here are some examples.

--Ask the boy if he would like to draw a picture for his dad.

--Encourage the boy to make a recording about something that’s happened recently. This might be safer than talking directly.

--Suggest to the father that he might record a story that his son could listen to later.

5. Invite the son to talk with his dad but don’t force him. Let him know that he can talk with his dad when he’s ready.

My children are 6, 5 and 3 years old, and they have watched more TV than I think you would recommend. I hope to change our family habits going forward. My question is, are they "programmed" already? Is it like quitting smoking (as in every day that you don't smoke you add time to your life expectancy) and every hour that you don't spend watching television, you need fewer and fewer "jolts" to get excited about something or to be entertained or intrigued? Have I damaged my children?

Jeanne, St. Paul

Dear Jeanne,

I can assure you that you have not damaged your children, especially given their ages. Children’s brains are remarkably “plastic,” meaning that as we learn more about child development we can make positive changes in our parenting practices. Children are not “programmed for life” at such an early age.

As you may know, I agree with the guidelines that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends for entertainment media—none or very limited media for babies under two; one hour per day for preschoolers and two hours per day for school age children and youth. If you decide that your family’s TV diet is too far out of line you might want to consider the following tips.

1. Make sure to keep screens out of children’s bedrooms.
2. Have clear family rules about when and how much TV is allowed.
3. Practice appointment television. Decide in advance what’s worth watching and set an appointment to watch it. If children are allowed to just turn on the TV to “see what’s on,” they’ll always find something and the hours will add up.
4. Learn what the TV ratings mean and follow them in making program choices.
5. Get your family's "media baseline" and cut down from there. Setting unrealistic goals from the start doesn't set you up for success.