Here are 8 ways to reduce digital distractions and boost productivity:

• Cut out background media and discourage multitasking (the exception to this might be calm music for some kids) when your child needs to focus.
• Create a tech curfew and stick to it. Perhaps all cell phones get charged at night in the living room?
• If the phone isn't part of a homework assignment (or an important conversation with a friend or family member), turn it off or put it away.
• Get rid of alluring cues if they aren't central to the task. For example, close email and Twitter to reduce the "pings" and "beeps" that alert you to new information.
• If Instagram and Twitter aren't necessary for the assignment, use apps like "Self Control" to prevent usage for short, concentrated work sessions.
• Be realistic about how long your child can focus attention. Break tasks into 15 minutes of focused attention followed by deliberate breaks to get up, move around, or check out Facebook.
• When your child is online or using a tablet for school work (which is admittedly A LOT of the time) - use Internet history and/or monitoring software as a tool for your teen to reflect on his or her study habits. Which page visits were productive? Which were distracting? How might they improve?
• Change the norms around instant connection 24/7. Talk to other parents about the digital curfew in your house and ask if they have considered the same.

We live in a world that begs our attention and engagement at every turn. Even as I settle in to write this blog post, Ping! A new email; Beep! someone posted on my Facebook timeline; Bzzz. my phone alerts me to a text even though I've put it on vibrate in a weak attempt to avoid incoming distractions.

Help them build a framework:

• Help your child set attainable goals and break tasks into achievable steps. Involved them in planning and adjusting and finding tools that support this process. For little kids it might be pictures that show how to get dressed and out the door, for teenagers it might be a planner!
• Support planning and structure not only for school work but for out-of-school activities too like planning a garden, making a home video, making a present for a parent, preparing for a first job interview, etc... Make it fun!
• Set limits and consequences and be consistent.

Keep technology in balance:

• Reduce multitasking and distractions when focused attention is required.
• Choose high quality media that promotes problem solving and imagination.
• As your kids get older, encourage them to make media, not just consume it.
• Encourage kids to engage in low-tech activities that they love and that naturally boost cognitive flexibility, persistence, and focus. This can include games like Freeze Dance, Red Light/Green Light, Simon Says, imaginative play, and board games.
• Encourage your kids to engage in sports, clubs, and other out-of-school activities that they seem interested in.

Help them regulate their emotions:

• Nurture your connection with your children, from infancy through adolescence.
• Name and share emotions.
• Give them tools/strategies/model ways to manage emotional impulses like "calm your body," "think before you post," self-talk, deep breaths, and role playing tough situations.

Be a coach, not the main player:

• Embrace mistakes and encourage experimentation.
• Learn about the power of praise.
• Support, don’t coddle.
• Encourage, don’t rescue.

Executive function: The brain's "air traffic control center"

How do children learn to concentrate, switch mental gears, filter distractions, persist in the face of frustration, calm themselves, manage impulses, catch errors and fix them, or revise ideas in light of new information? It turns out they train their brains to accomplish these and other mental gymnastics. Scientists refer to this suite of skills as executive function.

Think of executive function as the brain’s "air traffic controller." Just as the controller needs to keep track of, manage and coordinate dozens of airplane takeoffs and landings on multiple runways so also the brain’s executive function must coordinate the input from multiple brain circuits and systems. There are three domains that make up executive function.

• Working memory: This is the brain's desktop. It enables us to retain and use “chunks” of information in our minds over short periods of time.
• Inhibitory controls: These are the brain's filter and brakes. They enable us to screen out distractions, manage impulses, resist temptations, and prioritize actions.
• Mental flexibility: This is the brain's gear transmission. It enables us to think outside the box, catch and correct mistakes on the fly, adjust to various settings and expectations, and adapt to new information.

These three work together to form competent executive function and impulse control. As you consider the list of skills it seems intuitive that they are central to our kids' success in school and life. Sure, mastering content in school (the what) is important. Executive function, however, determines whether and how kids are able to engage the content in the first place (the how). If my child can't resist the impulse to goof off with his friends, concentrate despite the allure of a text message, or keep multi-step instructions in mind - then even the most engaging science lesson isn't going to be very effective.

It's brain science - and child's play.

These elements may sound complicated but they go to work for our kids in really practical ways. Consider the executive functions at play while our kids play the popular game "freeze dance." When the music stops they need to resist the impulse to keep dancing (inhibitory control), when the music starts again they need to remember the what they were supposed to be doing in the first place (working memory), and they need to be able to adapt and adjust if the kid next to them does something unexpected during the game (mental flexibility).

While kids play, their brains are getting an incredible workout. In fact, the well-researched curriculum Tools of the Mind adds additional challenges to games like these to increase opportunities to practice executive function skills. While they are dancing, a teacher might hold up a stick figure drawing. Students are instructed to not to imitate the figure while dancing, but when the music stops they need to strike the pose.

Sound like fun? It is! It is also great training that might enable kids to resist the impulse to yell at a teacher when they are frustrated in fifth grade. Or think twice before they post a mean comment on Facebook as a teenager.

Whatever the brain does a lot of, is what the brain gets good at.

It is no surprise to parents of toddlers that their executive function skills are a work in progress. It is entirely developmentally appropriate that my son 2-year-old Miles might have a mini-meltdown when it’s time to stop playing with his cousins and head home for dinner. However, I hope and expect that he will have a different response when he’s fifteen-years-old.

We used to think that these skills developed naturally in children as they got older. We know now that while kids are born with the capacity for executive function, their development relies on practice. Our brains are like muscles: Whatever the brain does a lot of is what it gets good at. The foundation for executive function is laid in early childhood and continues to develop all the way through adolescence and into early adulthood. This means that these years represent incredible windows of opportunity for our kids to practice and develop these skills.

Be your child's "executive coach"

Parents play a critical role in helping their child develop executive function skills. You provide the "scaffolding" that kids need to practice increasingly difficult and rewarding tasks. You start by teaching your four-year-old to take turns and pretty soon you are encouraging your fifteen-year-old to work out roles and responsibilities with classmates for a looming group project.

Think of yourself as your child's executive coach. The good news? This is a really fun role. You don't have to spend much money on equipment. Practice can be held anytime, anywhere. You don't need to rely on repetitive or boring drills and sometimes your role is just to get out of the way! Better yet? You and your kids are already on the team. You've likely already started practice naturally by connecting with your kids, playing games, and encouraging increasingly challenging (but fun!) activities.

Here are some parenting tips to boost executive function to help you get practice started.

“But dad never makes me do my homework before I play video games!”

Sound familiar? Parenting across two households can be a real challenge. Working through the pain of ending a committed relationship into a working relationship that benefits our kids is hard work for divorced parents. Among the biggest challenges to navigate are differences in parenting styles, and in particular, your approach to discipline.

I've talked before about the critical importance of setting loving limits and consequences for our kids health and development. Kids thrive with structure, consistency, and boundaries. Setting limits and consequences not only help our children feel safe and secure, it also nurtures a critical character trait our kids need to succeed in both school and in life: self-discipline. The ability to delay gratification, put others’ needs in front of your own, and persist in a difficult task, are far greater predictors of success than intelligence.

So “No” isn’t just a word. It is a parenting strategy.

But what happens when kids are learning different lessons about “No” in different households? Negotiating these challenges taps into our deepest vulnerabilities. Will my son start to prefer the other parent’s house? Are the lessons I am trying to teach him even sticking? These vulnerabilities can quickly translate into anger and resentment that widen the void between households or into trying to win the favor of our kids by loosening rules in our own.

The good news is that having two households with loving and caring adults can expand the village surrounding our kids. Here are some tips to ensure that this village is helping your child thrive:

Try to get on the same page as much as possible

• Set up a meeting to talk about your expectations, your approach to limits and consequences, and a way to work through disagreements when they arise. (Set up the meeting when you aren’t actively in conflict. Calling your ex-spouse while trying to wrestle the video game controller out of your son’s hands is not a great time to work this out.)
• Discuss how ineffective the “good cop, bad cop” is for your child’s development. Neither role feels good over time and this dynamic often results in kids “triangulating” between parents to get what they want.
• Remind your ex-spouse that meetings are for your child’s benefit, not a favor to you. Keep the child’s needs in the center of the conversation to reduce conflict.
• If you aren’t able to have a civil or productive conversation on your own, consider bringing in an outside mediator. Someone trained in child development can help you both understand how to use your strengths to help your child thrive across households.
• You will likely not be able to agree on everything nor can you anticipate all scenarios. Tackle your biggest concerns and work for consistency on those issues. If you spend all your energy fighting over little things you won’t have the energy or the trust to talk about the big ones.

Help your child adapt to different rules

• You are never going to agree on everything. Children adapt to different rules all the time (think preschool, grandma’s house, etc…). They can do this!
• Recognize and acknowledge these differences in calm and matter of fact ways. “At your mom’s house you can watch cartoons in the morning. At our house we don’t have the TV on on Sundays. Would you like to play inside or outside?”
• Avoid power struggles. While it is an important time for consistency and limits, you don't want to erode the connection you have with your child by fighting all the time.
• Never disparage or openly pass judgment on the other parent’s set of rules in front of your child. “I know your mom lets you stay up later. We both love you very much and we just do this differently. In our house bedtime is 8.”
• Be patient and consistent as your child learns that different rules apply in different households. The more consistent you are the more quickly your child will understand and lean into the structure you’ve set up.
• Create predictable family routines that help your child understand and practice the rules. For example, instead of wrestling your daughter’s cell phone out of her hands every other meal, create a basket where everyone’s cell phones go before beginning the meal with a song, words of gratitude or, grace.

Get real

• All kids, whether their parents are divorced or not, will push against the limits. That is their job! It is your job to set them.
• If the divorce is new, your child is even more likely to be testing the limits and working through strong emotions. Do your best to be calm, consistent, and to recognize the positive behaviors your see in your child. Spend extra time together and provide lots of reassurance. If your kids are older, get creative with connection.
• Being firm and consistent does not mean being authoritarian and unreasonable. Listen to your child's feelings and opinions. Engage in limited negotiation when it makes sense.
• Don’t expect your ex-spouse to follow through on a consequence you’ve set unless you are already on the same page. Keep the rules and consequences bound to your own home unless you’ve already agreed.
• We all make mistakes. Be willing to apologize to your child if you’ve said something you regret in front of them.
• Get support and talk to other parents, friends, and family about the challenges and frustrations you are experiencing. This will make it less likely for these feelings to emerge in front of your kids.
• Giving in to your kids to win their love or trying to be their friend during a time of transition is likely to backfire. Children feel more safe and secure when you are the parent and they get to be the child.

Don't participate:

• Never egg on, laugh, or encourage the bully in any way.
• Don't like, share, or tag mean comments on social media.
• Walk away and make it clear that it is not cool.
• Anonymously report to a trusted adult.

Step in:

• If you feel safe, say something like, "Hey, stop it." Or "That's not funny."
• Get a trusted adult involved.

Be a friend:

• Reach out to the person being bullied to let them know they aren't alone.
• Send a sympathetic text to the victim or sit with them at lunch.
• Ask the victim if they are okay.

Set a good example:

• Don't use language that insults someone based on their sexual orientation, race, or other categories of difference.
• Work to include kids that don't have a lot of friends or support.
• Don't make or laugh at inappropriate jokes, even if the target of the joke isn't there.

Scott, Tulsa

Scott, You are not alone! For lots of parents, simple conversations can quickly escalate into a power struggle. As our kids start flexing their own muscles of independence, one of their developmental jobs is to find the outer boundaries of appropriate behavior. How far can I go? Who cares? This is especially true during key developmental windows (namely, the "terrible twos" when children begin the important work of developing self-will, and adolescence, when the prefrontal cortex goes under construction).

This can be especially challenging for parents of kids with strong-willed temperaments. It might feel like it is your child's personal mission to test you at every turn. It is exhausting! As you can probably guess, there isn't an easy way to completely iron out the road given that testing the limits is entirely developmentally appropriate. That said, there are a few tools we can keep in our tool kit to try for a smoother ride.

Remember his strengths

It can be difficult to remember in the heat of an argument, but your son's confidence and strong-willed nature is also his strength. What may manifest as a power struggle in your home can show up as leadership, persistance, or determination on the baseball team or in debate class. While you do want to guide your son and help him regulate his emotions, you don't want to squash his spirit. To keep perspective on his strengths you might try:

• Asking other adults in his life to reflect on his strengths with you. Parents tend to trigger power struggles like no other adult. Request a window into his behavior when he is around others - you might be quite proud of what you see.
• Reminding yourself that by navigating disputes inside your home your son is gaining skills that will serve him well outside the home. Studies show that teens who practice arguing calmly and persuasively with their parents are better equipped to resist peer pressure.
• Catching him "being great." Make sure you allow your son to continuously start with a clean slate. When we get into a pattern of arguing it can be hard to see outside of it. Recognize respectful conversations and tell him when you are proud of what you see.
• For parents of younger children - imagine the activities your child might participate in down the road. How will determination and self-direction benefit them? Keep this vision in view as you struggle with your toddler or preschooler's budding independence.

Practice a balanced parenting style

It can be tempting to want to prove to your son "who's in charge," especially if he is blatantly defiant. Turning to an "authoritarian" parenting style might be tempting in the moment but research shows that it merely causes our kids to comply out of fear of punishment or backfires and amplifies power struggles. Compliance is not the only goal. What we really want is for our kids to develop the internal capacity to make good choices and regulate their emotions. They can only do this with space to practice.

Of course, "permissive" parenting swings in the other direction and doesn't provide the structure our kids need to thrive. The most effective parenting style is a "balanced" approach with firm limits and consequences, respect for opinions, and limited negotiation.

We aren't going to be perfect parents and there is no such thing anyway. But it can be helpful to check in with yourself and your caregiving team (partner, grandparents, etc..) and consider whether you are practicing a permissive, authoritarian, or balanced parenting style. What do you want to continue? What do you want to change?

Everybody loses in a power struggle

Finally, in the inevitable case that setting limits and consequences does lead to an arguing match or power struggle try to remember these tips:

• Listen to what your child or teen has to say. You may not ultimately agree, but listening increases the odds that they will listen back.
• Do not debate, argue, or endlessly repeat yourself. Your job is not to "win" the argument or convince him that you are right. This is an unrealistic and unhelpful goal. Enforcing consequences calmly will help teach your child to ultimately take responsibility for his actions and regulate his own behavior down the road. That is the long term goal.
• Take three deep breaths. Take three more if you need to. Increased oxygen in the brain reduces stress hormones and increases the likelihood that you will respond using your cortex (thinking brain) instead of your limbic brain (the seat of emotion).
• Say to yourself, "I can stay calm." Repeat the mantra as often as you need to.
• Picture yourself staying calm. Do not get on your child's emotional roller coaster with them.
• Calmly repeat the expectation, rule and consequence. Do this only once.
• Follow through with the consequences consistently.
• If your child escalates, check out our tips on setting limits with an explosive child or what to do when kids hit.
• Have reinforcements available if possible. Call in a friend or family member if you need to take a time out yourself.
• Seek support from understanding relatives and friends or a parenting group. You are not the only parent challenged by power struggles!

As our child grows older, brain science is helping us better understand why parent-teen conversations can turn so quickly into arguments. These communication tips on how to talk to teenagers can improve the odds that every conversation doesn't end in a power struggle.

Good luck!

Dr. Dave and Erin Walsh

(A father-daughter team who endured a fair number of power struggles back in the day and have lived to talk about it!)

• Get real. Remind yourself that it is your child's job to push against the limits and your job to set them. Some children will push harder than others, but all kids will test limits. This is a normal part of development, not a personal attack on your parenting.
• Set limits ahead of time. When possible, state your expectation clearly as well as the consequence for non-compliance. For example, "Make sure you are home before dinner or you won't be able to go to Kelly's house tomorrow." When you need to come up with a consequence on the fly, take a couple of deep breaths before you respond. You don't want to threaten your child with something you can't follow through on.
• Be specific. For example, “I want you to take out the garbage. If it’s not out in ten minutes then you are choosing not to have your video game time tonight. It’s your choice.”
• Follow through. If your child doesn’t take out the garbage then it is your job to enforce the consequence. That’s why you should choose a consequence you can live with.
• Remind your child it is a choice. Make sure you are clear with your child that he is choosing with his behavior. “Since you didn’t take out the garbage you are choosing not to play video games tonight.”
• Consistency is critical.  Your child needs to experience the negative effects of a poor decision. If you waffle she will not learn this important lesson.
• Don't nag. Remind your child of the rule or consequence but avoid overexplaining, nagging, or lecturing. Keep it simple, "If you choose to hit your sister than you are choosing to be all done with this game." 
• Avoid power struggles. Nobody wins in a power struggle. Here are more tips for avoiding power struggles with teens.

Our kids' brains come equipped with certain powerful drives that are hardwired from birth, like software already installed on a new computer. Their success depends upon their capacity to drive them.

Do you still have a link to "screen time coupons?" I heard you speak about it years ago and would love to re-read and use the coupons.

Thanks, Lisa, Minneapolis, MN

Lisa,

More and more parents, teachers, pediatricians, and other professionals are worried about the amount of “screen time” kids have each day. The last good survey, now over four years old, showed that the average school aged child now spends more than fifty-three hours each week in front of the array of screens now common in our homes. With more kids using mobile devices like iPads and smart phones, that number is probably even higher today.

Children can benefit tremendously from technology, as long as they avoid the risks of overuse and misuse. I’ve written elsewhere about misuse, but the overuse issue needs to be taken more seriously. The impact of too much screen time on kids’ physical health, social skills, and a host of other developmental issues is well documented.

As you recall, Lisa, we developed a “Screen Time Coupon” strategy as part of the National Institute on Media and the Family’s Switch Program. It proved to be very popular because it was easy and effective and works really well with younger kids in particular. Each week parents would decide how many thirty-minute coupons their children would have to spend. They would redeem them for time they wanted to spend watching TV, playing video games, or “hanging out on-line.” This approach both kept screen time to an appropriate level and helped kids develop an “appointment approach” to screen time rather than just turning to the screens as a default activity.

The National Institute on Media and the Family closed three years ago, but there are two options. First, you can easily make your own coupons. Second, Iowa State University has taken over the Switch program and they are putting more Switch resources online at www.iowaswitch.org

Here are some tips to limit screen time overuse.

1. Our recommendations for screen time follow those of the American Academy of Pediatrics: Zero or as little as possible for babies under two; one hour per day for pre-schoolers; and two hours for school age kids. (This does not include screen time for homework, research or special projects.) That said, each family and child is different.

2. Have clear family ground rules about how much, when, and what type of screen time is allowed. Being consistent about limits and consequences is a huge protective factor for kids.

3. Establish technology free zones and times for all family members. For example, no technology during meals, until homework is done, and technology curfews.

4. Practice “appointment screen time.” Encourage your kids to make conscious decisions about what and when they’ll use media or technology. Screen time gets out of control when they turn to TV, games, or computers as a default option.

5. Institute the coupon system. Many parents have found it helpful. Check out www.iowaswitch.org for resources.

1. Tell your child stories and encourage him to tell you stories. Even if your child can't talk yet, tell stories about what is happening in the world around him.
2. Ask your child who, what, when, where, why and how questions. For example, "Why do we wear this special baseball glove?"
3. Make associations between what is happening now and what a child already knows. For example, "You watched a baseball game with your mommy yesterday, didn't you? How can we play baseball?"
4. Follow up on your child's interest with more questions and talk. "What else do we need to play baseball? Do you know?"
5. Give the child positive feedback on her comments. "Good job!"

Miles raced back in to the kitchen with a huge smile plastered across his face. He then triumphantly held a plastic onion over his head. Pointing at the pot of soup he looked up at me expectantly, eyes shining. "Miles, you’re right! You found the onion in your play kitchen just like the onion in mommy's soup!" Miles’ pride was unmistakable, and I was left marveling at his excitement when he realized that he had an onion like mine in his collection of plastic foods.

"I just don't get it!" Sighed a dad I spoke to last week. "We have talked about this over and over again. She knows better!"

“Goodnight, kittens, and Goodnight mittens…

Goodnight stars, Goodnight air, Goodnight noises everywhere.” 

These are but a few of the melodic and soothing verses that stir warm childhood memories for millions around the world. Good Night Moon isn’t a book. It’s a ritual.

It is with heavy hearts that we repost these tips, originally written after the Colorado Theater massacre. Our hearts go out to the families in Connecticut. All of those children belong to all of us.

I was chatting with an exhausted parent on the phone last week, a conversation that sparked this entire blog post. "I think I have been praising my kids all wrong! I wish I had known some of this stuff before I had kids. Is it too late? I think I have failed somehow." 

I hear things like this from parents too often. Parenting is not a pass or fail enterprise...

While there aren't any specific recipes for ensuring our kids have fond memories of our time together (that would probably take some of the authenticity out of it!), there are some ways that we can set the holiday season up for rich emotional memories that will last a lifetime: 

• If holidays are difficult, acknowledge this with friends and family. Find trusted friends or family and share your feelings. Be kind to yourself. Be willing to find ways to create new, more positive emotional memories. Getting support and being kind to yourself will reduce the likelihood that your negative emotional memories rub off on your kids.
• Own your holiday schedule. What are you excited about? What can you pare back on? Carve out specific times for your family that don't feel high pressure.
• Create traditions. Holiday traditions create a sense of stability, nurture a sense of family identity, and remind kids that holidays aren't just about presents. Examples of traditions include: 
  • Doing community service. Rotate the privilege of choosing the organization you work with.
  • Baking family recipes.
  • Gaming together.
  • Reading a special book out loud.
  • Playing music together.
  • Making decorations that display what you are grateful for. 
  • And on and on!

• Make space for daily reflection. Create a daily practice with your kids that allows them to reflect on the spirit of the season. They might talk about their favorite thing that happened that day, say something kind they did for others, etc. This allows emotions to sink in. 
• Be open to modifying traditions as kids get older. As our kids grow up we may need to modify traditions to respect how they've changed and allow teens to take more ownership over them. This doesn't mean everything gets tossed out the window but pre-holiday negotiation is just fine. 

• Be gentle with yourself. There is no secret to creating perfect emotional memories. Even if the cookies or latkes burned and your teen dragged her feet through the evening, your efforts are what matter. In fact, many times kids look back at very trying stages of their life with a soft emotional heart because it is when they needed traditions the most. Take the long view and stay connected with your kids during the busy holiday season.

You are not alone. Parents everywhere started bracing themselves for the onslaught of holiday advertising around halloween and now we are certainly in the thick of it. All of these advertisements trigger the "gimmes" in our kids without them even being aware of it. Not only do advertisements communicate powerful emotional messages about what it takes to be cool, "in," or hip, they also trigger the "seeking system" in our kids brains.

The seeking brain

It turns out that our brains are designed to push us to seek out new things, making the search for novelty rewarding in and of itself. In other words, while I drive to the mall to get a new outfit, my brain's seeking system is making me feel good. In fact, so good that it often exceeds the reward I feel when I put on the new outfit at home!

What does this look like for our kids? Have your daughters ever told you they were "dying" to get the latest toy? (Dying! This is serious business!) Yet one week after the toy is finally in their hands you find it buried under old clothes in the corner barely used and cast aside? This is part of your child's seeking system at work. They are off to get the next prize. 

This served us very well when we hunted our food for survival and it certainly continues to help us today. Heck, it is what helps us get out of bed in the morning! Fueled by our seeking system we make new discoveries and seek out innovation and change. However, the piles of barely used toys in the corner of our kids' rooms represents the dark underbelly of the seeking brain.

Seeking out "stuff" doesn't make our kids happy

As you might guess seeking out piles of "stuff" doesn't actually make our kids happier. The quick dopamine hit they get on the search isn't rewarding in the long haul. If we give in to the "gimmes" it doesn't just drain the bank account, it also robs kids of the opportunity to practice self-discipline, kindness, and gratitude - all of which lead to sustained rewards lasting a lifetime.

My friend Jenny came up with a great way to teach her kids about the power of the seeking brain. When her boys would beg for something as they passed by the toy section Jenny would note it and remind them of the two week rule. The two week rule meant that they needed to wait a full two weeks before Jenny would even consider buying it for them. The best part? Many items fell off the boys' radar within a couple of days. The boys quickly realized that lots of times it wasn't about any particular item, what they were experiencing was merely a feeling of craving something new.

Of course the desire for some items stuck around and they talked through ways to save up for these things or put them on a holiday list. The system wasn't perfect but it saved Jenny from lots of impulse buys and taught her boys a bit about their brains.

Taming the gimmes

Whether or not you celebrate christmas, most kids in the U.S. are inundated with marketing messages leading up to the holiday. Here are a couple of tips for taming the gimmes that might help restore some balance for our kids.

The goal is for our children to learn that seeking out relationships, opportunities to be kind, and ways to give is what matters most not only during the holiday season but all year long.

Good luck and happy winter, 

Erin Walsh

• Talk to your kids about their brains. Explain that it is better to hold off on important decisions about sex and commitment until their prefrontal cortex kicks in.
• Encourage your teen to bring boyfriends or girlfriends over to your house as much as possible. Establish a relationship with the person in your child's life. This can help if issues arise later on.
• Don't put down your child's boyfriend or girlfriend. Instead of "I can't stand your boyfriend," try "I know you care about him. Tell me some of the things you really like about him."
• Ground concerned conversations in behaviors that worry you. Again instead of "I can't stand your boyfriend," try "I've noticed that you don't spend any time with your other friends since you started dating him. Do you feel pressured to avoid your friends?"
• Look for signs of controlling behavior or physical abuse. Be concerned if your child starts isolating him or herself from their friends or other activities. 
• Be clear about your expectations, rules, and consequences. For example, "I know that you don't want me to nag you about your social life. It will be a lot easier if you two comply with curfew."
• Listen. If your son or daughter has been hurt in a relationship the best thing to do is to listen, empathize, and support. Try to help your teen regain perspective after a break-up but also remember that it takes time to heal.
• Talk to your teenager regularly about sex and sexuality. 

Thanks, 

Sue, Kentucky

Sue, 

Most of us parents are never truly ready for our children to start dating. Certainly we want our kids to fall in love... someday. Falling in love is one of the greatest adventures in life but it also brings with it a long list of worries. We want to protect our kids from hurt, we worry about who they are dating and whether the relationship is healthy, and of course we worry about the potential for unsafe sex or pregnancy. 

Romance and the brain

While we may remember what it felt like to fall in love for the first time, few of us actually know the brain science behind it. Brain structure and chemicals affect the way a teenager first dives in to romance. 

Young people first start having romantic feelings before puberty begins. The brain begins releasing a group of hormones called androgens and as the increase, children start experiencing their first crush. This first crush has similar ingredients to full blown attraction, but the main act begins at the onset of puberty when the true intoxicating experience of falling in love usually kicks in.

For boys, the quick development of the hypothalamus's INAH-3 prompts sexual thoughts. Combined with testosterone surges, this can make it difficult for young men to think of anything but sex. The hypothalamus also drives changes in hormone levels for girls. Present in both boys and girls, testosterone provides the sex drive in young women. That said, the levels are less intense for girls than boys. This may manifest in boys being much more interested in the physical aspects of sex while girls may be more focused on the relational aspects of sex. Of course, we should all be able to think of boys and girls who do not follow these models but the pattern holds across large groups. 

Falling in love

While kids may be thinking a lot about sex, and as parents we worry the most about sex, it is only one part of falling in love. Falling in love is more powerful and all consuming. It involves more of the brain.

Brain scientists at University College in London have conducted brain-based studies on what is happening inside young people's brains as they fall in love. When shown pictures of their boyfriends or girlfriends, four separate areas of their brain became active - two in the cortex and two deeper within the brain. Importantly, the study found that the prefrontal cortex - the seat of reason- was inactive. 

When we fall in love, we aren't using our rational brain and impulse control. Falling in love is more emotion than thought. This isn't an unfamiliar brain pattern to scientists. The brain activity of someone in love isn't that different from someone on cocaine! From the brain's point of view it is equally as powerful a chemical experience: dopamine (happy), norepinephrine (quick response), and serotonin (mood) are all in play when falling in love. This explains the euphoric, impulsive, emotional roller coaster teenagers are on when they fall in love.

As exhilarating as this is, the brain cannot sustain these emotional and chemical fireworks for long. The average for an adolescent is only three to four months. Getting back to your question Sue, this might well explain why your daughter jumps from relationship to relationship. Lots of teenagers can't sustain relationships because they feel boring and less exciting after just a couple of months. When falling in love is a brand new feeling, teens can feel very disappointed when it passes. They can be tempted to look for that same emotional "high" somewhere else.

Standing in love

Compared to falling in love, standing in love is less euphoric but happier and less intense but more enduring and fulfilling. Standing in love is the basis of long term commitments. It is only after the brain cools down from falling in love that the prefrontal cortex starts making judgements again about the viability of a long term relationship. This is when your daughter might be thinking "What did I ever see in that guy?"

Standing in love involves a different set of chemicals as well. For girls, oxytocin takes center stage. Susan Barker of University of Maryland calls oxytocin the "cuddle hormone" as it is associated with forming intimate bonds. For boys, the attachment hormone is vasopressin which increases feelings of protectiveness and attentiveness. 

Of course I've talked to a lot of parents who are as worried about their teen standing in love too soon as they are about frequent dating. "I don't want him to get so serious at such a young age. He doesn't know what his future is going to look like!"

Their concern is understandable. Sometimes teenagers do need to try dating multiple people to get a better understanding of what kind of relationship works for them. 

Communication is key

Whether your teenager is falling in love or standing in love, it is important that we talk to our teenagers about healthy relationships, sexuality, and communication. Getting beyond THE sex talk, to ongoing communications about sex and relationships will help your teenager navigate the potential pitfalls of dating and help them build the tools they need to someday build a strong, enduring relationship with a partner. 

Here are some tips on talking to your teen about dating to get you started.

Thanks, 

Dr. Dave Walsh

Thanks, Andrea, Ft. Wayne, IN

Andrea,

Thanks for your questions. Let me give other folks a bit of background. Research has been clear for generations that a healthy start is critical for child development and that early childhood trauma can leave long lasting scars. The ACE study shows the impact and also serves as a simple to use screening tool to identify children in need of helpful interventions to reduce their risk for later problems. ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences and is a joint project of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente in California. The scientists have surveyed more than 17,000 people for ten different “adverse childhood experiences,” and found that the higher the ACE score the greater the risk for health, social or economic problems later in life.

The ten experiences that place children at risk include

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Neglect
• Alcohol or drug addiction in the family
• Domestic violence
• Separation or divorce
• Mental illness in the family
• No love in the family
• Emotional abuse
• Family member in prison

The assessment tool, which is only ten questions, can be found at the ACE website http://acestudy.org/ 

Among its disturbing findings, the ACE study revealed that twenty percent of American children have scores of three and higher.  Children with scores higher than four are more likely to have behavior problems in school. The higher the score the more likely the child is to have health, social and economic problems later in life.

The ACE study can be useful as a screening measure so that interventions can be provided to reduce the risk. An ACE score high enough to indicate risk should not be seen as a predictor of problems but rather a signal to provide the help and support to counteract the effects of unfortunate early experiences. 

Here are some of the strategies that can help these children develop the resilience they need to grow into healthy and happy adults.

• Find ways to support "connectedness" in these kids' lives – make sure they feel connected to caring adults in school or in their community.
• Identify and build on these children's strengths. Find ways for them to participate meaningfully in school or in their community and share their assets with others.
• Teach the children how to calm themselves. Mindfulness training is showing great promise.
• Teach children to embrace mistakes because we can learn from them.
• Teach children to “start all over again” when they become frustrated.
• Maintain realistic but high expectations.
• Teach and insist on cooperation and sharing.
• Support children while holding them accountable.

Wired Differently

Kids with brains that are wired differently can have a challenging time in settings designed for the average child.  For some of these kids, self-regulation can be a real challenge. Teaching them limits and how to manage their emotions require some special techniques. Professionals have a handful of categories for different brains including ADHD, Asperger Syndrome, Sensory Processing Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. These don't begin to cover all the possibilities but help us start to better understand what our kids need and what they are going through.

Here are first steps you can take if your child came into the world with a brain that makes self-regulation a challenge:

1. Intervene early. Don't wait years to address challenges and get your child the support they need. Pay attention to signs that your child may be wired differently and talk to professionals early.
2. Don't take it personally. The more that we learn about explosive behavior and regulation challenges the more we understand that lots of times these behaviors are brain-based and not the result of parenting mistakes. It doesn't help to blame yourself.
3. Seek the help of competent professionals. The strategies that fill many parenting books aren't going to work the same way for kids who are wired differently. Professionals can help you develop special approaches and tactics that work for your family.
4. Find professionals who have a wide scope of experience with special needs children. There's an old saying: If the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. You want a professional flexible enough to try different approaches. 
5. Be a patient but persistent advocate for your child. I know a couple who consulted professionals for over two years until they finally came up with a diagnosis for their son.
6. Get support. Parent a child with a brain that makes her explosive, rigid, and easily frustrated is hard work. Ask family and friends to help out so you can get a break.
7. Avoid know-it-alls. These folks can send you down the wrong path and leave you questioning why their "guaranteed" techniques didn't work for you.
8. Don't tolerate out-of-bounds behavior. Parents of kids who have difficulty with self-regulation have to redefine "normal" and recalibrate expectations. Nevertheless, life will be a lot better for these kids when they build the level of self-control they are capable of.
9. Nurture your relationship with your partner. Separation and divorce rates are much higher for parents of special-needs kids. Take time for yourselves and avoid taking out your frustrations on each other. 
10. Support your other kids. Special-needs children demand a lot of attention and energy. Try not to leave your other kids lost in the chaos. Do what you can to make sure each child's needs are met. Bring in family and friends to give you time along with each child.

Margarite, CA

Margarite, Having raised three kids I can certainly sympathize with you. Even though you might anticipate some distancing during adolescence, it is still not easy emotionally. My son Brian starting asking for a "divorce" from our family when he turned fourteen! He even started looking at apartment ads nearby and no doubt would have flown the coop if we had let him go. 

Loosen, but don't let go

The thing is, even when young people ask for a divorce, they still need connection. They may not thank us, ask for it, or show appreciation for it but they still need connection. Your commitment to not giving up on your daughter is such a gift to her! Research consistently shows that one of the greatest protective factors for teens is parent connection and involvement.

Does this mean that we force them to connect in the same way they did when they were in fourth grade? Of course not. It is normal for adolescents to want to spend more time with their friends and be more reluctant to participate in family activities. So if you are parenting teenagers, focus on three things: changing our expectations, maintaining rituals, and nurturing a village. 

Change your expectations

When Erin was sixteen she was seated at the kitchen table doing homework when I got home from work. "How was your day?" I asked. 

"Fine." She muttered. 

"What did you do today?" I tried again.

"Nothing much." She replied, sending a clear message that the conversation was over before it started. 

I took a deep breath and walked in to the living room. Before I could put my briefcase down, Erin called out "Dad? Can you give me a ride to Gretchen's house tomorrow morning?"

On our way to Gretchen's the next day we ended up chatting a bit about school that week, a new friend on the hockey team, and why she was so excited for the weekend.

When I got home, my wife Monica looked at me and said "Aren't you glad that we didn't get Erin a car when she turned sixteen?"

"Yeah! That would have been way out of the budget!" I laughed.

"I'm not talking about money, Dave. I'm just saying it seems like one of the only time we get to hear more than single sentences about her day is in the car." 

She was right. Having to negotiate rides may have felt painful to all of us at times, but it did provide a time and place for us to connect. I didn't realize how much I had come to treasure the fifteen minute drives to Gretchen's house until Monica named it. This wasn't the quality time I had envisioned when I became a new parent but it helped me reframe the relative scarcity of cars in our family - from a pain in the neck to an opportunity to stay connected.

Maintain rituals

Just because we change our expectations and get more creative about staying connected (Monica used to joke that we maintained connection with our kids and their friends through an enormous pizza bill!), doesn't mean we sacrifice rituals and tradition. Our kids need to know that they are still part of a family and that we don't give up on the unique things that make our family ours just because they become more of a hassle. 

Maybe it is a family vacation or a family movie night. Hang on to the things that create memories and make your family unique - though they might change a little. For example, some friends of ours used to have a monthly family board game night. When the kids were little, they were WAY into it. Their enthusiasm faded when they hit middle school. Instead of forcing long games of Monopoly on them, they changed the rules. Each kid could invite one friend over for a Wii tournament. The parents provided the good food and the kids organized the competition. Usually after an hour our friends would wander out and let the kids have their fun. 

This night might look different but game night remains a part of the family fabric that holds them together. Plus they get to know their kids' friends too.

Nurture a village

It is important to remember that your kids might not want to connect with YOU at any given time, but they might want to talk with another caring adult. You might be too close or the issue might feel too loaded. Teens need a network of people that they trust - a teacher, coach, aunt or uncle, or a family friend. Try involving other adults in your kids' life early on so that your child can lean on that relationship if they need to during adolescence.

When Brian hit a rough patch during high school, I called two men who were my close friends and also close with Brian. "Will you two take Brian out for breakfast? I don't need to know what you say to him or what he shares with you but I need you to be talking to him. I just can't get through right now."

When he was in his twenties, I asked Brian if he remembered that breakfast.

"I remember it really well." he said.

"Was it helpful?" I asked.

"You know, it was," Brian said thoughtfully. "I still carry something in my wallet that Bob gave me that day."

I still don't know what Brian had in his wallet and I don't need to know. I am just grateful that there were some caring adults that were connected with Brian when he was in a tough spot.

Take the long view

It can be emotionally exhausting to maintain connection with your teenager while she is trying to push you away. If your teen is in a particularly rough spot she isn't likely to thank you for your efforts. However, the work you put in to maintaining that connection has an incredible long term pay off. Not only will it help her handle the challenges of adolescence but she is likely to carry these rich emotional memories and skills with her into adulthood. 

For our family, summer vacations felt like pulling teeth when we had three teenagers in the house. The fun moments seemed far outnumbered by bickering, sullen looks, and outright defiance. Now my kids are in their thirties though, and family vacations come up often as some of their most fond memories from growing up - even the vacations we took during their teenage years. Were we on the same vacations? We were. It just took them another ten years to appreciate it. This is something that is well worth the wait.

Good luck, 

Dr. Dave Walsh

p.s. Check out more on the science of parent-teen miscommunication and some communication tips. 

Guide problem solving and resolution.

• Stay calm when arguments escalate!
• Avoid taking sides.
• Listen to each child's perspective without interruption. Encourage them to name their feelings and speak only for themselves.
• Ask your kids to brainstorm possible solutions.
• Avoid solving the problem for them. Give them the structure, not the solution. The goal is to help them learn how to resolve the argument on their own.

Not every conflict needs a long mediation process. 

• Make it clear that violence is never allowed and that everyone has the right to be safe in your house.
• Communicate your expectations and consequences for out of bounds behavior  clearly and stick to them. Having clear house rules for particular "problem spots" that you can rely on helps you avoid constant negotiation.
• Avoid long, drawn out lectures. Keep your explanation firm, short, and sweet.
• For example, "We agreed that there would be no fighting over video games so now the video games need to go off for the rest of the day. I look forward to seeing you two play games together tomorrow without fighting."

Build a foundation for respectful, collaborative behavior.

• Siblings often fight because they are competing with one another. Find ways to turn competition into cooperation. Try, "Do you think the two of you can rake the backyard in under twenty minutes? The leaves are waiting! Ready? Go team go!!"
• Involve your kids in defining respectful behavior when everyone is cooled off and the situation isn't loaded. What does respect look like in your family? How do we show one another respect?
• Teach your kids ways to cool off including deep breaths, run outside, time with music etc.. Practice these strategies for fun!
• Affirm your kids when you see them working out conflict in effective ways.
• Model good conflict resolution with your partner and other adults in the home.