Gina, San Francisco Bay Area

I hear variations of this question all the time. Are allowances a good idea? Should they be tied to chores? How much? When should you start?

Parents hear all sorts of conflicting information on kids and allowance. Since there is no research on the subject, I advocate a practical approach that reinforces important life lessons for our kids.

If you can afford it, I think allowances are a good idea because they help children and teens develop money-management skills. A colleague and good friend of mine, Nathan Dungan, specializes in helping families and kids build healthy financial habits. His approach has three simple ingredients: Share, Save, Spend. Sharing is a potent antidote to the cultural messages that promote a "me first" attitude. Saving teaches discipline, patience, and planning. Spending is of course the fun and easy part as long we know how to budget. Allowances enable kids to start practicing the Share, Save, and Spend philosophy early on, helping build a foundation for financial literacy later in life.

Around the time that they start school, children usually start to understand the concept of money. Of course, how much depends upon a lot on your family budget. Small amounts are just fine. Even if we can afford it, the goal isn't to make our kids' money life a sky's the limit fiscal operation. My wife Monica and I always gave an allowance equal to half of our kids' ages until they hit adolescence and then we gave an amount equal to their age. Weekly allowance made it a little easier for them to learn to budget than a monthly allowance.

Allowances also eliminate the problem of kids treating you like cash machines! An allowance can be a tool for "taming the gimmes" if you stick with your message. You might choose to cover the basics like food and clothing but allowances can take care of treats, games, toys, and other wants. 

Tying allowance to chores is a great way to instill a sense of responsibility. While some folks argue against this, I can't figure out why it is any worse than handing over the money for nothing. Paying kids for chores doesn't need to undermine the idea that everyone pitches in to help around the household. While there may be a clear list of chores tied to a weekly allowance, this doesn't let kids off the hook for other projects and general helpfulness.

If you find yourself getting into a power struggle, check out our post on Chores and Kids.

Do you give allowance to your kids? Why or why not?

Dr. Dave 

Shirley, Denver, CO 

Shirley,

I think that the growing popularity of IB and AP courses is, in general, a good trend. Most American teens are not being challenged enough, especially in what it is called STEM—science, technology, engineering and math. Our kids are going to need to step it up if they are to compete successfully in the global economy. For many young people, these courses provide an opportunity to challenge themselves in a structured way, develop a positive attitude about learning, and develop a sense that the world is their classroom.

That said, anything can be overdone. Unrelenting pressure to perform academically can actually undermine young people's capacity to cope with stress and impact their love of learning. While academically rich and rigorous experiences are key, young people also need sleep, free time and other activities.

This is not only because we want our kids to be well rounded individuals. Our brains are busy even when we aren't in school!  Sleep is a time when our brains sort out all the neural connections made during a busy day of learning and consolidate memories. Exercise builds stronger brains by boosting BDNF, a chemical that stimulates brain growth. Free play helps build imagination, creativity, and executive functioning. In other words, these activities are not just 'extra credit' for kids, they optimize the brain's capacity to excel inside the classroom and out.

Balance is key! Experiences that organizations like 4-H provide are critical throughout adolescence. Teens should be challenged academically but not to the extent that they can’t participate in other activities that are important for their development. Here are my tips for striking a balance with your busy kids:

• Meet with your child's teachers to better understand how they approach the IB or AP curriculum. What are the expectations for outside of classroom work? Is the classroom culture competitive or cooperative?
• Try to steer your child towards a well balanced activity diet. Encourage them to choose extracurriculars carefully and make sure they only commit to what they have time for.
• Show your support by showing up at athletic events, plays, concerts, and other events.
• Give your child space to explore and express themselves. 
• Banish sleep 'thieves' like over-scheduling, cell phone use overnight, and early morning activities.

Good luck!

Dr. Dave and Erin Walsh

• Try to recall your own confusion and discovery, excitement and frustration, happiness and heartbreak during your teen years. It will help give you patience.  
• Remember that every generation of parents is convinced that their teens seem lazier, angrier, less capable of thinking through the consequences of their actions, and more willing to drive the adults in their life insane.
• Remember that some turmoil during the teen years is normal. 
• Don’t take it personally. Teens like to reserve the worst behavior for their parents
• Remind yourself of the strengths you had when you were a teenager. Today's teenagers have strengths too - learn about them.
• Learn as much as you can about the teenage brain. It explains a lot. I wrote a book about this called Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen.

Amy, St. Paul, MN

Amy,

Music has been a battleground for parents and teenagers for many generations. My father was convinced that the Beattles were going to ruin me and my peers. I agree that violent, sexually explicit, racist, misogynistic, negative lyrics are disturbing. Some are downright disgusting. That said, forbidding teens to listen to them ill advised for at least two reasons. First, a prohibition can’t be enforced. Music is everywhere. Second, making it too much of a battle can make it even more attractive to teens. It’s called the “Banned in Boston” effect.

 Here are my tips.

1. Have a calm discussion with your son about the values behind negative lyrics. Explain why you don’t like them and ask him what he thinks.
2. Listen to his response and avoid escalating into an argument. The conversation is a great opportunity to discuss values with your teen, but he won’t listen if you start preaching. Conversation is a two-way street.
3. Discussing lyrics can be a great way to learn more about your son's opinions on key issues and how they interpret the messages in songs.
4. Let him know that although you can’t force him to abide by your music tastes you’d like him to avoid violent, hateful and negative lyrics.
5. You can insist, however, that you don’t want to hear such lyrics.

Shirley, Denver, CO

Shirley,

It sure does seem like every generation of adults puts their hands on their hips, shakes their heads, and sighs a collective "Kids these days!" While there are certainly new challenges young people face specific to the 21st century, every generation of teenagers has struggled to navigate the exhilarating, rocky, challenging, and rewarding path through adolescence.

I call the forgetfulness that afflicts us parents "adult amnesia." It seems that the older we get the more difficult it becomes to remember what it was like to have a teenage brain. Even the most mild-mannered kids pose difficulties for their parents, from needing to stock the pantry to meet their growth spurts to figuring out what to do when they sleep until noon. 

For the parents raising adolescents who take a more volatile course to adulthood, the situations that arise—dangerous accidents, teen drinking, drug use, and run-ins with the police, to name a few—can inspire hair-pulling anger and head-shaking bewilderment.  Adults talk about each new generation of teens as evidence that the world is falling apart.

“I would never have done that when I was her age,” we parents think.  Maybe you wouldn’t have, but a few of your friends probably did.  Insolence and door slamming are not new inventions.  The world is not getting worse; it’s staying exactly the same.  Adults and adolescents have always had their difficulties getting along with one another.

This doesn't mean that we excuse poor behavior. Just as we relied on our parents to care enough to outline the boundaries of our budding independence, we owe the same to our kids. That said, lamenting the downfall of the next generation isn't serving anyone. Because amidst the frustrating behavior and confusing decisions our kids make, lies the wisdom, passion, voice, and energy that make youth incredible assets to our families and communities. We wouldn't want to miss out on that.

Here are my tips to combat “adult amnesia.”

Check each statement you agree with.

____I’d rather play video games than be with my friends.

____I’d rather play video games than play any sports.

____I’d rather play video games than spend time with my family.

____I’d rather play video games than eat.

____I’d rather play video games than sleep.

____I’d rather play video games than talk on the phone.

____I’d rather play video games than go to school or work.

____I’d rather play video games than go to a movie.

____I’d rather play video games than watch TV.

____I’d rather play video games than use the Internet.

____I’d rather play video games than listen to music.

____I’d rather play video games than exercise.

List the things you’d rather do than play video games:

1. __________________________________________
2. __________________________________________
3. __________________________________________

If your child has trouble thinking of things he or she would rather do than play video games, they may have become the most important priority in his or her life. Check out my post on video game addiction for some next steps.

Deb, St. Paul, MN

Deb,

After hearing from many parents and spouses of compulsive gamers I have become convinced that video game addiction is real. While there is no formal diagnosis here in the United States, recent research indicates that about one out of every eleven video gamers starts to show the type of symptoms you’ve described.

Coincidentally I recently spent two weeks in Singapore training counselors about “Cyber-Addiction.” The problem seems to be even more widespread there than in the US and professional have no qualms about calling it an addiction. In the words of one psychologist, "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck - it must be a duck!"

Don't get me wrong, most kids play video games and live a balanced and healthy life. But you are not alone! Some kids, like your son, have a difficult time keeping game play in balance. I support your decision to intervene before your son’s gaming gets even more out of control. I have developed some tools to help parents determine whether their kids’ game play is over the line. The first is a video game addiction symptom checklist and the second is what I call the “I’d rather Inventory.” Here are my tips.

• Fill out the “Symptom Checklist” and have your son complete the “I’d Rather Inventory.” If these tools confirm your fears, it’s time to intervene.
• Decide in advance what the gaming limits and rules are and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t comply. Include rules about arguing and yelling.
• Explain the limits and consequences to your son. Let him know that he will choose the consequences with his behavior.
• Consistently enforce the limits and consequences.
• You may need to confiscate his games. Let him know in advance that you will remove  the games if he flaunts both the rules and consequences. 
• If the situation escalates, don't hesitate to involve a trusted mental health professional.

(Scoring Instructions. 1=never; 2= rarely; 3= sometimes; 4=often; 5= constant)

1. ____ Spends more and more time playing video games or cyber-activities.
2. ____  Argues about and resists any restrictions put on video game or Internet use.
3. ____ Withdraws from friends and activities to spend time playing.
4. ____ Repeatedly breaks family rules about when and how much game playing is allowed.
5. ____ Sneaks and lies about game playing or Internet use.
6. ____ Neglects school work and other responsibilities because of play or use.
7. ____ Throws temper tantrums when limits are imposed.
8. ____ Neglects relationships because of cyber-use,
9. ____ Thinks about playing or cyber-use when not actively doing so.
10. ____  Is unhappy or depressed when not playing or using computer/Internet.
11. ____  Neglects sleep in order to play of use computer/Internet.
12. ____ Neglects personal hygiene and appearance because of cyber-use.
13. ____ Tries to limit cyber-use time but is unable to do so.
14. ____ Family members or friends complain about person’s cyber-use.
15. ____ Continues to play or use in spite of negative consequences.
16. ____ Is only happy when playing or on-line.
17. ____ More and more friends are gamers or on-line friends.
18. ____ Plays games or stays on line longer than planned.
19. ____ Skips school or work to play or go on line.
20. ____ Denies that there is any problem in spite of negative consequences.

Scores range between 20 and 100. Scores above 59 indicate possible addiction. Get the help of a trusted mental health professional if you think your child needs support.

Use this with the "I'd Rather Inventory" to get an even more clear picture of your child's game playing.

Paula, Mendota Heights, MN

I am not familiar with the particular video, but I would question its appropriateness for five-year-olds given the violence you described. Some might assume that any religious education video is okay for children, but we need to remember that there is no guarantee that the producers and directors of religious videos don’t slip into Hollywood style violence portrayals. Ironically there is significant risk for this in portraying lives of the saints. After all, the greater the violence a saint had to endure the more heroic and holy he or she must be.

I would be surprised if your daughter were the only child troubled by the graphic violence. I would respectfully share your concern with the teacher. For all you know, he or she may have already had second thoughts, especially if the video had not been previewed.

I would ask the teacher to make sure that the St. Patrick video is appropriate for kindergartners. Patrick, you may recall, was kidnapped as a teenager and held captive as a slave for six years before escaping. Ask the teacher to pay particular attention to how the violence in the kidnapping and captivity are portrayed. I would expect a kindergarten teacher to be sensitive to your concerns.  

Lucille, Rochester, MN

Dear Lucille,

The separation is very painful for everyone. The little boy is emotionally confused and hurting. He’s not old enough to understand why his dad is gone and he may have a mixture of strong feelings that he doesn’t know how to express. He may, for example, be angry as well as sad. Talking with his dad on the phone or computer may be more than he can handle right now.

Here are some suggestions. 

1. Help the parents understand that their son’s refusal to talk is not a rejection. He just doesn’t know how to handle the storm going on inside and this is one attempt to cope with the pain.

2. Don’t force the little boy to talk with his father on the phone or computer. Try to help him deal with his feelings by naming them. For example, you might say, “Sometimes we can feel angry or sad when our dad isn’t around. Do you ever feel that way?”

3. Right now the four-year-old is acting out his feelings because he doesn’t know how to express them. The goal is to try to help him express them in ways that will enable him to get support. As he feels safe and supported he will be more able to share what he’s feeling. 

4. Give the boy some alternative ways for him to communicate with his dad. Here are some examples.

--Ask the boy if he would like to draw a picture for his dad.

--Encourage the boy to make a recording about something that’s happened recently. This might be safer than talking directly.

--Suggest to the father that he might record a story that his son could listen to later.

5. Invite the son to talk with his dad but don’t force him. Let him know that he can talk with his dad when he’s ready.

My children are 6, 5 and 3 years old, and they have watched more TV than I think you would recommend. I hope to change our family habits going forward. My question is, are they "programmed" already? Is it like quitting smoking (as in every day that you don't smoke you add time to your life expectancy) and every hour that you don't spend watching television, you need fewer and fewer "jolts" to get excited about something or to be entertained or intrigued? Have I damaged my children?

Jeanne, St. Paul

Dear Jeanne,

I can assure you that you have not damaged your children, especially given their ages. Children’s brains are remarkably “plastic,” meaning that as we learn more about child development we can make positive changes in our parenting practices. Children are not “programmed for life” at such an early age.

As you may know, I agree with the guidelines that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends for entertainment media—none or very limited media for babies under two; one hour per day for preschoolers and two hours per day for school age children and youth. If you decide that your family’s TV diet is too far out of line you might want to consider the following tips.

1. Make sure to keep screens out of children’s bedrooms.
2. Have clear family rules about when and how much TV is allowed.
3. Practice appointment television. Decide in advance what’s worth watching and set an appointment to watch it. If children are allowed to just turn on the TV to “see what’s on,” they’ll always find something and the hours will add up.
4. Learn what the TV ratings mean and follow them in making program choices.
5. Get your family's "media baseline" and cut down from there. Setting unrealistic goals from the start doesn't set you up for success.

A friend of mine passed this along to me. I thought it was a great lesson for kids about bullying. Could you pass it along on your website?

Thanks,

Jim, Cedar Rapids, IA

Jim,

I agree that this is an excellent lesson to help kids understand the harm that bullying can cause. Here’s the lesson.

A wise teacher had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stamp on it and really mess it up without ripping it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was. She then told them to tell it they’re sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. She explained that those scars would never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix them. That is what happens when a child bully's another child. "You may say you’re sorry' she told them, "but the scars are there forever." The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her that the message had hit home.

I recently ran across a new app called TeenSphere. Are you familiar with it? What do you think of it?

Thanks,

Barb, Minneapolis, MN

Barb,

Thanks for tipping me off about TeenSphere. I was not aware of it until you asked. I have downloaded the app and have taken a TeenSphere tour. I like it a lot. It provides solid information about a lot of important topics that  teens wonder/worry about. The information is clear and straightforward and the writers avoid the type of lecturing and preaching that teens can’t stand. It also provide links to other sites that teens can visit for more information.

Adolescence can be a pretty confusing time, and teens often have a lot of questions that they are embarrassed to ask out loud. TeenSphere gives them a confidential, private and anonymous way to get information. I hope that creators of Teen Sphere keep building it out since there are a lot more topics they could include.

Here's a YouTube tour of TeenSphere 

Linda, Boston

Linda,

It certainly makes sense for parents to have rules about when and how much time kids spend watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the Internet. Screen time for the average American school age child now exceeds fifty hours a week and almost everyone agrees thats too much. Technological tools have been developed to help parents do their job. There are a number of TV timers on the market and I have found a website which reviews the pros and cons of the most popularTV timers.

Parental controls and a TV timer are great tools in our parenting toolbox. That said, they shouldn't replace our supervision and involvement. Here are my suggestions for family rules that complement tech tools for parents.

1. Keep TV and computers out of kids bedrooms. We know from research screen time goes up as technology enters the bedroom.
2. Turn all the screens off during meal times. Its one of the few times families have together in our busy culture.
3. Set and enforce family rules regarding when, how long and what kinds of media are allowed.
4. Encourage your children to get active and make their own media instead of sitting in front of the screen.

• State your expectation clearly as well as the consequence for non-compliance.
• Be specific. For example, I want you to take out the garbage. If its not out in ten minutes then you are choosing not to have your video game time tonight. Its your choice.
• If your child doesnt take out the garbage then it is your job to enforce the consequence. Thats why you should choose a consequenceyoucan live with.
• Make sure you are clear with your child that he is choosing with his behavior. Since you didnt take out the garbage you are choosing not to play video games tonight.
• Consistency is critical. Your child needs to experience the negative effects of a poor decision. If you waffle she will not learn this important lesson.

Thanks,

Sandi, Rosemount, MN 

Sandi,

There must be an as yet undiscovered brain circuit which activates in pre-teen and teenage brains that triggers the “Why me?” response. My wife Monica and I heard it a million times, and, based on my conversations with other parents, it seems to be almost universal. This is especially true when it comes to chores and kids. 

Their motivation is pretty simple: they don’t want to be bothered. Our parental motivation should be pretty simple as well: we want them to act responsibly and the only way that will happen is if they get practice. It is our job to make sure they get the practice. Here are my suggestions.

1. Don’t escalate with a pre-teen or teenager. Their brains are built for it. Take a couple of deep breaths or a couple minutes to calm down yourself if you feel yourself getting worked up.
2. You can answer once but don’t keep repeating it. Your response might sound like this. “We all need to cooperate and do our part as a family and that includes you. So please clear the table (or take out the garbage, walk the dog, clean the bathroom etc.)
3. Don’t lecture. Simply state calmly and in a friendly manner your request.
4. If he or she still resists then go to the tried and true strategy of “Limits and consequences.” 

Young people also want to have voice and control in their lives. This is part of the important 'work' of adolescence. That said, families are not true democracies and it is important for your son to respect the requests of you and your partner. There are many ways that you can help your son develop ownership over family responsibilities without letting him run the show.

For example, an old colleague of mine used to create a "Family Compact" each year with her two sons and husband. Not only did the compact include responsibilities but also fun activities and values that the family wanted to prioritize. A compact like this can be a wonderful reference point when the "why me?" monster appears. If you go this route, be sure to include some overarching language about the values of helpfulness and responsibility. The goal is to give your son a chance to participate in the process, not create a narrow checklist of chores. Here are a few more tips:

• Don't create an elaborate chore chart that you can't follow through on. Create structure that you can live with.
• Offer choice. If Saturday is a big chore day, give your child the option to choose which job he would like to tackle off the list. The privilege of first choice can rotate weekly.
• Don't use chores as a negative consequence for other poor behavior. They may always see them that way.
• Get the little ones involved early. My grandson Ellis loves to push the broom around the kitchen while I do the dishes.
• Clean collectively. Put on some good music and have everyone in the family work at the same time.

Good luck!

Dr. Dave 

Carrie, Miamisburg,OH

Carrie, Youre not doing anything wrong. Your baby is doing what many do at about one year. Up until now she has enjoyed all her meals while being held. As a result she has become accustomed to eating while snuggling comfortably in your arms. She does not appreciate the change to eating in a high chair and is expressing her objections in no uncertain terms.

Of course, she cannot eat in your lap for the rest of her life so you are in the process of helping her make the transitiona transition that she does not want to make. Heres what I would suggest.

If you are still nursing her or feeding her milk by bottle then you need to continue to feed her milk in your arms. Besides her milk, however, you need to calmly tell her that she needs to eat everything else in her high chair. The key here is consistency and structure. She needs to learn the rule that she eats food in her high chair every time. Dont expect an instant conversion. Even when she is in her high chair she might renew her screaming and protesting. When she is in her chair, reinforce that with a smile and a sincere Thank you. Then give her her food.

Do not be surprised if she cries and holds her arms out for you to rescue her from this cruelty. Once again, remember that consistency is crucial. If you hold her sometimes and insist on the high chair at other times, she is just learning to scream louder to get what she wants. A lot of parents give in because they cant stand to see their babies so unhappy. She will recover and she will not starve. Your calm and consistent reinforcement will pay off with a happier baby and less stressed parent.

Should she throw her food to demonstrate her unhappiness, immediately take her out of her high chair and calmly tell her, If you throw your food, then you are choosing not to eat. She will quickly figure out that food fights are counter-productive.

If you have a partner present this is a great time to bring in the reinforcements. You can let the partner take over and you can excuse yourself and leave the room for a couple of minutes and let your partner follow the same consistent pattern.

Enjoy the snuggling during nursing or bottle feedings and best of luck for the rest of the meals!

Dr. Dave

1. Don't ignore your baby's cries. Respond to her cries of distress by trying to figure out what is wrong and soothing her.
2. If you feel angry or upset at your baby, give her to another trusted adult or put her in a safe basinet or crib and walk into another room for a couple minutes to take some deep breaths
3. Hold your baby while you are feeding her.
4. Play with your baby and give her age-appropriate toys.
5. Sing, talk, and read to your baby.
6. Learn about your baby's physical growth and development.
7. Hold or "wear" your baby in a carrier or sling when it makes sense.
8. Childproof your home.
9. Limit the amount of time your baby spends in front of a TV or other electronic screen (aim for no time at all!).
10. Try giving your baby a massage when she is quiet and alert.

Cheryl, Mississippi

Cheryl, Your question reminds me of a time when I was a guest on a call-in radio show during the first week that my book No, Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear it and Ways Parents Can Say It came out. About halfway through the show, a grandmother called in to ask me a question that I have gotten hundreds of times.

"Dr. Walsh, I love what you are saying about self-reliance and it makes me worry about my grandson. As soon as my he cries, my daughter runs off to the basinet to comfort him. Will this make it hard for him to comfort himself? I am worried that she is spoiling him right off the bat."

Can you spoil a baby?

Anxious to get their kids off on the right foot, lots of parents want to focus on independence and self-discipline right away. This can easily lead to the idea that holding a baby too much or comforting him might spoil him.

Here's how I responded to the caller:

"It sounds like you care a lot about your grandson and you can be rest assured that your daughter is doing a great job parenting him. While it might seem like responding to a baby would spoil him, the opposite is actually true! Holding babies, comforting them and interacting with them in the first year of life lays the foundation for the development of self-reliance and self-discipline later on."

The caller sounded quite relieved as I went on to explain how this works. Babies are born wired for human connection and, like little scientists, they immediately start running thousands of experiments that help them understand the way the world works. How a baby's parents respond to his cries of distress teach him important lessons that will shape his behavior later on. Among other things, they help him answer the questions: Is the world a safe place? Do people care about me?

Secure attachment

Responding to a baby's coos and cries provides a critical sense of safety and security that will ultimately make the baby feel comfortable enough to venture out, explore and try things on his own later in life. Also, thousands of small caring interactions help solidify a secure connection between parent and baby. Child psychologists call this the "attachment relationship." Research is clear that babies who experience secure attachment are more capable of empathy, are better listeners, and are better at communication later in life.

Secure attachment is also the foundation of self-discipline. Connecting with your baby in the first year of life helps you more successfully say "No" to your toddler or teen. The fortunate babies who have a secure connection with their parents will want to preserve that connection by maintaining their parents' approval. If there is no connection early on, a young child may be less motivated to behave in line with his parents' expectations and become angry and distrustful when his parents attempt to set limits and enforce consequences.

Laying the foundation for self-discipline

The building blocks for self-discipline and independence are laid in the first year of life. We lay this critical foundation by being present, attentive, attuned, and responsive to a baby's needs. There will be plenty of opportunities as that baby gets older for a firm "No" and real limits and consequences. Until then, enjoy building solid and secure attachment in partnership with your baby.

Here are 10 ways to form secure attachment with your baby.

Thanks,

Dr. Dave

Has your baby already grown up? It happens fast! Now it is time to balance caring attachment with limits and consequences. Here are Ten Tips to Prevent Discipline Deficit Disorder to get you started.

Terrance, Minnesota

Terrance,

You have asked an important 21^st century parenting question. The technology that young children carry in their pockets today would have astounded parents just fifteen or twenty years ago. With these technologies come great benefits - but also new challenges.

Communication

Communication is the key. It is important to have regular, ongoing conversations with your daughter about how she is using her cell phone. You should be clear that the cell phone is yours since you are paying the bills. She has the privilege of using it so long as she does it responsibly. That said, I dont think it is necessarily a good idea to remove all the contacts that you do not know personally. If your daughter has demonstrated responsible use of her phone so far, this action might come across as heavy handed and potentially set up the type of cat and mouse game you are legitimately concerned about.

Discussing ground rules

An alternative strategy would be to ask her to tell you about her contacts. Who are they? Where did she meet them? Why did she decide to put them in her phone? This will give you an idea of how she is using her cell phone and how open she is to ongoing communication. This would also be the time to talk to her about your familys cell phone ground rules about when, where, how much, etc. Let her know that it is your job to pay attention to how she uses the phone. Make sure she understands that as long as shes using it appropriately there wont be any problems. But if her use strays from the ground rules, then she will lose the privilege for a period of time. Here are some suggestions.

1. Set clear ground rules about when, where, and how much your daughter can use her cell phone. Include text messages limits and Internet use in your rules.
2. Let your daughter know that you have a zero tolerance policy for any cyber-bullying.
3. Support the schools cell phone rules.
4. Consistently enforce the rules. If compliance starts to slip restrict access for a period of time.
5. Continue to be in touch with the parents of friends she hangs out with.Ask for their phone numbers. Dont just rely on your daughter calling you from her cell phone.

Hend, Cairo, Egypt

Hend, This is a great question. More and more parents are wondering - what is the impact of all these screens on our kids' ability to focus? As we start to unpack the answer to this question, it helps to distinguish between ADD/ADHD and attention problems. There are children who have attention problems who do not necessarily have ADD or ADHD. I am convinced that ADD/ADHD are "hard-wired" conditions while distraction can, and often is, soft-wired, ie. shaped by experience. Distinguishing the two takes a very thorough evaluation.

Hard wired: ADD/ADHD and the brain

Brain research has identified both anatomical and brain chemistry differences in children and youth who are ADD or ADHD. For example, there are both structural and functional differences in areas of the prefrontal cortex where impulse control resides. In addition, researchers have discovered that children with the hyperactive form of ADD have double the amount of the neurotransmitter glutamate and lower levels of GABA, a chemical that acts as a set of brakes in the brain.

Soft wired: Conditioned for distraction

While ADD and ADHD may be hard wired, there is a growing concern that technology is creating a generation of "distracted kids." While these kids arent necessarily wired differently they are perpetually responding to texts, playing video games, multi-tasking and spending a great deal of their waking hours in front of screens. Some of those children are being mistakenly identified as ADD or ADHD.

Learning to focus

The good news is that we can do a lot to help "distracted kids" learn how to focus. Our brain gets really good at whateverit does a lot of. The brains of many tech-heavy kids are being conditioned to expect instant rewards and constant stimulation. For these kids, reading a book or solving a complex math problem can be a bit underwhelming to say the least. Of course, being engaged and entertained by technology is not inherently a bad thing for kids. But we need to make sure that kids' brains have ample opportunities to practice quiet, reflective, and focused thinking as well.

Here are some tips for managing the multitasking generation that may be helpful as you try to help your child practice focused attention.

Thanks,

Dr. Dave Walsh

We human beings come from a long line of storytellers. For many centuries our ancestors sat around campfires telling tales. Though the hearth of the kitchen table replaced the campfire for contemporary U.S. families, the storytelling didnt stop. The stories came in all different sizes and shapes. Some recounted the news of the day with a bit of drama, humor or exaggeration for spice. Some were for entertainment, while still others were intended for a moral lesson. Some were forgotten in minutes while others survived for thousands of years.

One of the wonderful things about stories is that they have meaning for everyone, both children and adults,who hears or reads them, no matter what his or her age. For example, a story like The Good Samaritan can teach a young child the importance of helping one another. However, an adult who knows that Samaritans were a despised lower class is also reminded of the harm done by prejudice. Same story but different levels of understanding.

Stories teach us who we are and who we want to be

Stories have long occupied a critical role in teaching cultural norms and values. Storiesare a very potent tool to communicate what is, and is not important to a group. Stories identify our heroes and the characteristics giving them that status. For example, Charlottes Web underlines the importance of bravery and honesty. The Three Little Pigs stresses doing a job well and thoroughly. Whether they're childrens stories or adult novels thousands of words long, stories have great power in defining and shaping culture.

Outsourcing storytelling to mass media

While the important role of storytelling has remained constant over time, a monumental change has happened in the past sixty years. Since World War II we have delegated an ever larger portion of the storytelling function to mass media, especially television and video games. This has changed who tells the stories and how they are told.

Parents, teachers, pastors, elders, authors, and sages have been replaced as the primary storytellers by teams of Hollywood and video gamescriptwriters, producers, directors and gamers. Tales told in gatherings, large or small, or tales read under the covers late at night have been replaced by multimillion-dollar electronic productions.

Whereas stores used to be heard or read, mass media stories are delivered with a wide array of audiovisual effects. And, while stories used to slowly make their way through a society, mass media stories are spread to billions of people all over the world in a matter of seconds.

The promise of digital voices

There are clear benefits to this new type of storytelling. The technology driving this change, for example, throws open new windows of understanding and enables our stories to cross geographical and cultural boundaries. Some have taken this art to new heights and expanded our understanding of the human experience. Many media savvy young people are combining new and old traditions by creating digital storytelling projects that give voice to their stories and perspectives.

The downside: Delivering "eyeballs to advertisers"

Unfortunately, there is also a downside. While the goals of former storytellers were entertainment, education or inspiration, the primary goal of most mass media storytelling is to deliver eyeballs to advertisers. Most of the mass media storytelling is now done to sell things. That shift is purpose is a crucial one. It means that the purpose of the story is to get and hold our attention long enough for the advertisers to get their message in front of us. Selling is primary. Entertainment, education and inspiration are often secondary considerations. Whatever kind of story works at delivering eyeballs is the one that proliferates.

One of the things that reliably get peoples attention is violence. Another is sex. Because they work so well at getting attention, they are dominant themes in many of mass media stories. Even though the primary goal is not to teach, a great deal of learning is going on because stories are such good teaching devices.

Violence is a clear case in point. Because violence is so prominent in mass media stories, the average child will witness 200,000 acts of violence before he or she graduates from high school. This includes 20,000 murders. The real impact of this diet of violent entertainment, in my opinion, isn't just violent behavior. The most harmful effect is that it has created and nourished a culture of disrespect. Whoever tells the stories defines the culture. For every young person who picks up a gun to shoot another student or teacher, there are thousands who arent doing that. But too many are calling each other names, pushing, shoving, and hitting with increasing frequency. The storytellers have redefined how were supposed to treat one another. Too often, weve gone from have a nice day, to make my day. Our kids have not missed the lesson.

What stories are you telling?

This generation of children is exposed to more stories, more powerfully presented, than any in history. Some are good. Too many are not. We, as parents, have to be more careful in choosing our childrens media stories. We also need to arm our children with the digital skills to tell the stories that reflect their values, not those of advertisers. Why? Because whoever tells the stores, defines the culture.

• Praise the effort more than the ability. Instead of"Honey, you are so good at math," try "I am so proud that you worked hard on that problem set even though it was difficult. Nice job."
• Make praise specific, not generic.Instead of "Nice job today." try "I noticed that you reached out and included Natalie today at soccer practice. I love that about you."
• Praise has to be sincere.Instead of "I am sure that your presentation in class today was perfect!try "I know that getting up in front of people is hard for you. I am so proud that you tried it in class today. How do you feel about how it went?"
• Praise should be intermittent, not overdone. Instead of taking a small thing and blowing it out of proportion, match the praise to the action. Sometimes just naming an accomplishment and smiling is enough. "You just finished that whole book!"

Why? I asked, assuming that I would hear how tired she was of arguing with a few chronically griping kids. However I learned that it wasn't the students causing her the grief.

I dont want to fight with the parents anymore, she explained.

Every time I share this anecdote in teacher workshops I see a room full of heads nodding in agreement. I have come to realize that parents are taking on teachers all over the country. Its an epidemic. Some argue about grades, some over cell phone confiscations and other discipline issues. The results are the same: more and more parents fighting with teachers rather than working with them.

Students lose when you don't work together

My biggest concern here is not for the teachers. Its for the students. Fighting battles for kids at school can set a dangerous pattern. Mom or dad goes to school, yells at teacher, problem gets solved. It won't take long for any kid to quickly figure out, "iIf I can get mom or dad to fight with teacher, Im off scot-free. Unfortunately the kid is the real loser in this situation. School is not only the place for children to learn the academic skills theyll need to succeed in life. Its also the place where they need to learn responsibility and accountability.

School administrators tell me that some parents view dealing with schools the way they view airing a gripe at the local discount store. They think that because theyre paying tuition or taxes then they are entitled to get what they want. So if parents think that their son or daughter deserves a better grade or if a punishment is too severe they approach the school the same way they handle a consumer complaintthey insist, argue, bully, and threaten. Schools arent stores and teachers arent cashiers. As parents, we need to help schools do what theyre supposed to do: help our children prepare for successful lives.

How do you handle legitimate concerns?

• Listen carefully to your childs side of the story. There may be more to the story than meets the eye.
• Dont assume that your sons or daughters version is the truth.
• Dont promise you will battle with a teacher for your child.
• Conversations with a teacher about a concern should be private.
• Approach a teacher as someone on the same team. Listen to the teachers concerns.
• Always share your concerns in a respectful and non-threatening way.
• Ask how you can support the teacher.

Partner together for kids' success

Remember, your son or daughter will be better served if parents and teachers are teammates. Work together to make sure that the kids not only learn their subjects but also learn that respect, responsibility, and accountability are just as important as getting good grades.

Thanks,

Dr. Dave Walsh

• Take screens out of your children's bedrooms. When a child has a screen in his or her bedroom, screen time goes up and quality of sleep goes down.
• Set limits on the amount of time that children spend with screen media. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends:zero hours of entertainment media for children under 2, one hour a day for pre-school aged children, and two hours a day for school-aged children and teens.
• If you are well over the recommendations, make a screen time goal that makes sense for your family. Try decreasing a half hour every week!
• Create an "activity jar" with your kids. When allotted screen time is up, pull an activity from the jar!
• If you work more than one job or odd hours, plug your kids into free or subsidized programs in your community that emphasize healthy activities and screen-free fun.
• Discuss food advertising with your children. What sorts of foods does their body and brain need to be healthy? What messages are they hearing on TV?
• Have your kids create their own food advertisements and shows! What about one that features interviews with local gardeners or farmers? That details the life of a vegetable? The options are endless.
• Find fun recipes that include vegetables and fruits. Cook with your kids! Ask your teenager to be in charge or a meal for the whole family and help them work out a nutritious menu.
• Figure out what is going on in your community - explore local parks and other free community resources that get kids off the couch and into the world.
• Encourage your children to play 'exergames' and other active video games like Dance Dance Revolution and Wii Sports.

Thanks,